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Tom Gerard
Blue Republic
RvB - BLUE Republic
Posted - 2011.06.09 18:39:00 - [1]

The guys over at testosterone nation came up with this one.

Drink milk. **** 2%.. Forget whole milk. . Buy a cow, suck directly from the teet, don't worry about bacteria or protein content. If anyone questions your methods, punch them in the **** and continue what you were doing. When your cow runs out of milk, light it on fire, wait until the fire stops and eat what remains.

Use the bones to make a cool looking weapon like a ****ing klingon would use, and then go to the gym. Use the weapon to slice in half whoever is at the squat rack, then throw your hands up in the air and perform an 18 second war cry.. . no more than 18 seconds. Then squat until your nose bleeds.

On the way home, stop at a store that sells almonds. Buy all of the almonds they sell and take them home to put in a pile. Scream at the pile until it turns into meat. Eat that meat. Then go to bed and do the same thing tomorrow. In about 6 weeks, you will be pretty much indestructible.

Forever A Clone
Posted - 2011.06.09 19:32:00 - [2]

You are a terrible poster but by the empress I lmao.

Lady Spank
In Praise Of Shadows
Posted - 2011.06.09 19:48:00 - [3]

I know what you're thinking: "Sundae? What is he talking about? Sundaes are for wusses and babies!" And you would be right except that you're missing the key word here: HOT! This is not a wussy cold soft serve sundae like anything you might be thinking of, this is a sundae that is smokin' hot and full of chunks of fudge (as a rule of thumb, anything with chunks is manly). One time I was at Dairy Queen, about to order a Flamethrower Burger (which is what I eat when I go there because it lets everybody know just how intense I am) and this guy in front of me is like "I'll have a chocolate sundae." He meant just chocolate, not hot fudge. I just laughed out loud, cut right in front of him and ordered a hot fudge sundae, then I was all, "What? Were you afraid you would burn your tongue?" Then I took my hot fudge sundae back to the car, and didn't even let it cool down before I ripped right into it. The heat was pretty intense but it was still awesome.

Something was wrong with your formatting so I made it legible. Zymurgist

Copine Callmeknau
Kangaroos With Frickin Lazerbeams
The KWFL Republic
Posted - 2011.06.09 19:52:00 - [4]

What? An entertaining post from Tom Gerard?!?

Quick! I need a young priest and an old priest! Laughing

reminds me of the instructions on eating ramen noodles
1) Boil some water
2) Eat ramen out of the packet
3) Drink boiling water
4) Snort chicken powder
5) **** *****es

Posted - 2011.06.09 20:04:00 - [5]

not even a single lol to be had here.

Xonus Calimar
CaeIum Incognitum
Posted - 2011.06.09 20:12:00 - [6]

Posting in a Tom Gerard thread.

(in before the lock, etc)

CCP Zymurgist

Posted - 2011.06.09 20:17:00 - [7]

I loled at the yelling at Almonds part.

Also moved from General Discussion.

Sunshine and Lollipops
Posted - 2011.06.09 20:17:00 - [8]

i am 12 and what is this

Nariya Kentaya
Coalition Of Gentlemen.
Posted - 2011.06.10 18:30:00 - [9]

Forums need more of these, great break from flying in circles from sharhelund to mai repeatedly.

Posted - 2011.06.10 19:12:00 - [10]

Edited by: stoicfaux on 10/06/2011 19:15:00
Nice plan but could benefit from a bit of meal planning. With the following tweaks can you do almost all of the food preparation on Sunday and cook the meal at the office for lunch.

Rip the cow's teeth out, use them to create an IMD (improvised melee device) and use the IMD to split the guy in the gym in half. (But the teeth of an herbivore are blunt and unsuitable as an IMD you say? Herbivore teeth are blunt and tenderize more, you twit. The gym guy is in the gym to toughen up isn't he?!?)

Carry the half of the gym guy corpse that has the most torso remaining to the almond store. Squat holding the torso in front of you, open side up, and scream "Almoooooooonds!" for 18 seconds. The guy in the store will fill the torso with almonds.

Carry the torso full of almonds back to the cow. Force feed the almonds to the toothless cow (the cow's lack of teeth means the cow won't damage the almonds.) Use the IMD to force the almonds into the cow.

Throw the gym guy torso away. (You're a civilized human being, not a ****ing cannibal!) The torso is biodegradable and is considered evidence, so put it at the bottom of your garden's compost pile.

Wait a day for the cow to digest the almonds and turn them into meat. Set the cow on fire. (If you work in a tall office building, you can cook the cow using the microwave in the kitchen area on each floor, but this requires that you work in a 30+ story office building.) Eat all of the cow, including the bones. (Use the cow teeth IMD to tenderize the bones.) Finally, eat the teeth for roughage.

* no need to waste time sucking milk from the cow because you eat the cow's bones for calcium
* no need to yell at the almonds until they turn into meat. You can instead yell at your fleet-mates while playing Eve.
* the calories you would have burned yelling at the almonds to turn into meat are instead burned off while carrying the torso around and running from the cops.
* You can let the cow digest the almonds for up to three days thus giving you some flexibility in your eating schedule.


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