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Nighthawk 2000
Rayn Enterprises
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2011.03.28 22:58:00 - [1]
 

Edited by: Nighthawk 2000 on 02/04/2011 00:26:25
UPDATE

Jokes get 10mil each (BFF gets 15mil Twisted Evil) Max of about 1bil.

No douple dipping!!!

Jita Minion
Posted - 2011.03.28 23:27:00 - [2]
 

ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN, OR TEXAN?

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You're carrying a Smith & Wesson revolver and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question. Does the man look poor or oppressed? What drove him to the level of desperation he feels now, driving him to FEEL that he has to take from others to make himself FEEL better? What might I have done that ever OFFENDED him? Could I apologize to him first, for ever having done something that might have ever offended him, to first see if that appeases him? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack or make him feel VICTIMIZED? What kind of childhood did he have? Was he an underprivileged child, having less than the rest of the kids growing up, his age, had? Could we have created some PROGRAM that would have made him FEEL; more included as a member of society, so that he would not FEEL as though this is his only answer?

Could we run away? What does my wife think? What do the Muslims think? What does the WORLD COMMUNITY think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? Could I just CARRY the gun without any bullets, and just show it to him, so that he would know that I have one, but not subject my family to the circumstances involved in really carrying a LOADED weapon? Could I just TELL him that I have a gun, and hope that he understands, and changes his mind? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun in the first place, and what kind of message does this send to society and my children and the Muslim community?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If he were to kill just me, or just one of my children, would tha! t be eno ugh to make him FEEL better? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me to death? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends and the World Community for a few years to try to come up with a PROGRAM to deal with these issues. Maybe we need to consult the Australians, about how well their NO GUNS policy has helped to keep the guns out of the hands of their criminals, who we all know followed their law, that required them to turn in all of their guns? I know...

Let's talk to Mr. and Mrs. Brady, to see what they think we could do. After all, Mr. Brady is doing better since he took the bullet for President Reagan, and I know he FEELS better now that his assailant, John Hinkley, is going to be able to have unsupervised, overnight visits with his family now.

This must make Mr. Hinkley FEEL better now, and MUCH less of a VICTIM. Maybe Mrs. Brady has some good ideas. After all, her husband isn't a COMPLETE vegetable. I know, let's just follow her lead, and outlaw ALL guns...

INCLUDING those carried by the Police (and the Secret Service), because after all, they only make the downtrodden FEEL more UNCOMFORTABLE and victimized by knowing we have them to protect ourselves. Yea. That's it.

(CONTINUED ON NEXT POST)

Jita Minion
Posted - 2011.03.28 23:29:00 - [3]
 

The Brits and the Australians have it. Just completely do away with all weapons. That way, when the man with the huge knife (or whatever) comes around the corner, with me and my family in his sights, he won't feel so much like a VICTIM that he feels he has to raise his knife and rob (and/or kill) me and my family. Better yet, he won't be carrying the knife now, because he knows that all weapons have been outlawed, and he doesn't want to break the law. And now, he will KNOW that I don't have a weapon, and he will be far more understanding now that I am TOTALLY defenseless, and he will just use his better judgment, and come to the decision that it just wouldn't be right to rob! or kill an unarmed citizen and his family, and will just choose to pass us on by. Yea... that's it.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!... click click click

12232
Posted - 2011.03.29 00:26:00 - [4]
 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra......

Seriya
Caldari
LogiTech Systems
Posted - 2011.03.29 01:15:00 - [5]
 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

Nypheas Azurai
Posted - 2011.03.29 03:47:00 - [6]
 

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Maria Jyrgen
Posted - 2011.03.29 11:19:00 - [7]
 


Dragic Mile
Caldari
Elisium Minerals and Industry
Posted - 2011.03.29 16:07:00 - [8]
 

I was blowing this girl last night when i tought: WAIT A MINUTE!


This one is free :)

Lord's Prophet
Totally Abstract
O X I D E
Posted - 2011.03.29 17:31:00 - [9]
 

A squad of soldiers is digging a trench.
About halfway through construction, their sergeant directs them to stop digging.
He says to the first solder, "private, raise your hands, legs together, and jump into the trench."
The private is slightly confused, but order are orders, so he does as he's told.
The sergeant tells the second one, "private, stick your hands out to the sides, legs together, jump in the trench." and so it continues.
To the third one he says, "bend over, stick your left leg out, arms tucked in, jump in the trench."
As the 3rd private jumps in, the platoon's captain wanders over. He looks at what's going on, and says to the sergeant, "Sergeant, I understand what you're doing here. However, you need to stop playing tetris and finish the bloody trench"

Quazal Atreides
Gallente
Low Orbit Industries
Posted - 2011.03.29 17:40:00 - [10]
 

Caldari and amarr guy in a bar one night having a drink

When a 12year old minmatar boy walks past the window

Amarr guy says to caldari guy "i really wanna screw that" pointing at the boy
Caldari guy replies "out of what" ;)


Feirenze
Posted - 2011.03.29 20:32:00 - [11]
 

I made these two all by myself.

A rather poor man buys a sailboat. How was he able to afford it?
It was on sale.

How do people decide how high to put the bar in pole vaulting competitions?
They have a poll.

Nighthawk 2000
Rayn Enterprises
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2011.03.30 02:53:00 - [12]
 

Edited by: Nighthawk 2000 on 30/03/2011 02:53:43
Funny stuff, everyone except maria and dragic with the free one got 100mil. Enjoy Twisted Evil

Jita Minion
Posted - 2011.03.30 06:02:00 - [13]
 

Thank you for the isk Sir and if you ever need more jokes just ask. o7

Mojolator
Posted - 2011.03.30 07:25:00 - [14]
 

In the america a long time ago lived 3 major tribes. The inkas, the mayans, and the ****arewe. Each year the tribes gathered in a sacred valley to remember their origins and discuss tribe matters.
First the Inca chief climbed on a rock and started talking:
"We climbed 3 mountains, we crossed 3 rivers, we swam 3 seas, then we said WE ARE THE INCAS" the crowed started cheering.
then the Mayan chief climbed on a rock and said:
"We climbed 5 mountains, we crossed 5 rivers, we swam 5 seas, then we said WE ARE THE MAYANS" and the crowed started cheering
Last the ****arewe chief climbed on the rock and said in an agonizing voice:
:We climbed 9 mountains, we crossed 12 rivers, we swam 10 seas, and then we said WHERE THE **** ARE WE? "


couldnt ressist :D

Nypheas Azurai
Posted - 2011.03.30 09:38:00 - [15]
 

ISK delivered, thanks. awesome thread

Dragic Mile
Caldari
Elisium Minerals and Industry
Posted - 2011.03.30 12:04:00 - [16]
 

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.


Dont need the isk, just sharing the laughs :)

Dmw882
Posted - 2011.03.30 13:10:00 - [17]
 

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."Laughing

Nighthawk 2000
Rayn Enterprises
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2011.04.01 02:35:00 - [18]
 

Edited by: Nighthawk 2000 on 01/04/2011 02:44:03
Since I have no doubt under-estimated the epicness of this thread, I will continue to give away 10mil isk (15mil for BFF Twisted Evil) for each good joke. Max of about 1bil, yes, I am willing to give away ABOUT 2 BILLION ISK for some jokes. Eve is too serious at times indeed.

Let us make this the most epic thread ever.

over 700mil given out so far, this does not count against the 1bil I just spoke about.

Corran Do'Urden
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2011.04.01 02:40:00 - [19]
 

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Kashard Jorrinsbanne
Autistic Sharks
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2011.04.01 02:50:00 - [20]
 

Edited by: Kashard Jorrinsbanne on 01/04/2011 03:03:39
A Canadian, Australian, and American are at a bar drinking beer. The American grabs his glass, knocks it back, throws it into the air, draws a pistol from the holster on his hip, and shoots it out of the air. As he sets the gun on the bar, he says to the other two that, "In America, we have so much money that we never drink with the same glass twice."

The Australian grabs his glass, knocks it back, throws it into the air, grabs the American's gun from the bar, and shoots the glass out of the air. He places the gun back on the bar and says to the Canadian and the American, "In Australia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap and we never drink with the same one twice."

The Canadian grabs his glass, chugs it in one gulp, tosses it towards the ceiling, grabs the American's gun, shoots the American, then places the gun back on the bar and says to the Australian, "In Canada, we have so many Americans that we never drink with the same one twice."

Edit: Another one, just because.
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

Crectus Vasil
Gallente
EVE University
Ivy League
Posted - 2011.04.01 04:54:00 - [21]
 

There is a woman laying on a beach with no arms, and no legs. A man walks by and sees she is crying. He asks her, "Why are you crying?". The woman tells him, "Because I've never been hugged." So the man hugs her. Another man is walking down the beach and sees the woman crying again. He asks, "why are you crying?" The woman says, "Because I've never been kissed." So the man kisses her. A third man is walking down the beach and sees the woman crying again. He walks up to her and asks, "Why are you crying?" She answeres him, "Because I've never been screwed." So the man picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "Now you're screwed!"

Xingpao
Posted - 2011.04.01 05:20:00 - [22]
 

Edited by: Xingpao on 01/04/2011 05:21:08

medea betencore
Gallente
Mineral Monkey
Posted - 2011.04.01 05:24:00 - [23]
 

Parents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, John, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, John ran into the house waving a paper in the air. “Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework,” he announced. “You made one, Dad made one and I made one!”

K pRo
Posted - 2011.04.01 05:36:00 - [24]
 

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


Rule18
Capsuleer Races And Violent Events Inc.
Posted - 2011.04.01 06:45:00 - [25]
 

Edited by: Rule18 on 01/04/2011 06:47:32
Two friends go for a hike.

One of them falls to the ground unconscious.

The other friend calls 911 in a panic and says, "help, help! I think my friend just died what do I do?"
Operator, "calm down sir, first make sure he's dead"

long pause - BANG!

Concerned friend, "okay now what?"

---edit--

oh damn, looks like someone else had this one already :-/

Tony Bitton
Posted - 2011.04.01 13:57:00 - [26]
 

Superman is flying round Mertopolis bored, and as he flies over a highrise, he see`s Wonderwoman laying spread eagled on the roof utterly naked.
Superman thinks to himself "Hmm, i could use my superspeed, fly in, give her one, then be gone before she knows whats happened".
So he circles twice, then with the speed of light he shoots in, does the deed, then poof, he is gone.
Wonderwoman meanwhile still laying there says "what the hell was that? "
The invisible man gets up and says, "I have no idea but jesus that hurt"

wally83
Posted - 2011.04.01 16:28:00 - [27]
 

...and the bartender says: "Sorry, We don't server Time-Travelers here."


A time traveler walks into a bar...

Corran Do'Urden
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2011.04.01 17:50:00 - [28]
 

Brian and Frank were best friends and golfing together. As they get to the 18th hole, Frank has the urge to smoke. So Brian sees his best friend pull out this massive lighter and light his cigarette.
"What the hell is that?" Brian asked.
"The profits from having a genie. Here, go ahead and take my last wish. You deserve it." So Frank pulls out the lamp from his bag and tosses it over to Brian. Brian rubs it eagerly and as soon as the genie pops out he blurts "I'd like a ton of gold."
The genie gestured at the ground and disappeared. There, on the ground, was this cauldron filled with this festering mess that oozed and smelled. Brian picked it up disdainfully.
"Uh, bro? Is your genie hard of hearing? I asked for a ton of gold, and he gave me a pot of mold."
"No ****. You think I'd want a 12 inch Bic?"

Nighthawk 2000
Rayn Enterprises
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2011.04.02 00:35:00 - [29]
 

Got more isk to give away. Also, donations accepted :-)

DEATHWALKINGTERROR
Posted - 2011.04.02 00:58:00 - [30]
 



why are camels called ships of the desert?

because there always full of arab seamen !

wrong i know so heres another slightly less rude one

two pieces of black tarmac are drinking in a pub , when a red piece of tarmac barges into one as he walks past , the black tarmac says to his companion, "right thats it im gonna punch him!" the other replies alarmed " i wouldnt do that ,dont you know hes a cyclepath!!" need anymore let me know , i have @ my disposal the combined comedic talents of a whole platoon . ( there really not that funny though , unless you count the smell :)


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