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blankseplocked E-UNI April Fool: Eve University Now Open for Mercenary Contracts
 
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Kelduum Revaan
Caldari
EVE University
Ivy League
Posted - 2010.04.01 00:00:00 - [1]
 

Edited by: Kelduum Revaan on 02/04/2010 00:07:00
Edit: Fixed Image

Many of you know Eve University as the training corporation, with thousands of members and alumni as well as over six years of teaching new players in all aspects of Eve, and helping them on their way in New Eden to become successful pilots. That, however, is about to change.

Official Eve University Press Statement - For Immediate Release

Please visit your user settings to re-enable images.

Eve University Now Open for Mercenary Contracts


With some recent adjustments to our structure now completed, I am free to announce that Eve University, is moving from being a solely empire-based teaching corporation to an Eve-wide mercenary outfit. The reasons behind this are surprisingly numerous, and we see this as a natural transition for an entity our size and experience.

First of all, since we formed our alliance, we have been the targets of various groups, most of who simply did not do their research. Many of these appeared initially formidable, but soon were crushed against the might of Eve University, often collapsing soon after from "The E-UNI Curse".

Secondly, we have well over 1,400 active members, and while many of them are inexperienced, they more than make up for this with tenacity. Put simply, they have nothing to lose, and as E-UNI supplies fully fitted replacement ships the only thing they need pay for are their clones - the vast majority of which are supplied free of charge.

Thirdly and finally, while the number of defeated foes continues to rise, we have noticed that wars simply have become more frequent. This was once disruptive for our scheduled lessons, meaning we needed to continually re-schedule classes due to war operations, however the new leadership understands that peace really is a lie, and as such we have made changes to negate any impact.

This brings many more opportunities for combat, but barring a few notable exceptions, the recent wars have been uneventful failures from small corporations where we outnumber them 100:1 or more. Many claim they "just want some fun" but become strangely quiet after they lose their ships in the first engagement to a fleet 10 times the size of their whole corporation.

So, in search of combat, and looking for more of a challenge without having to bother ourselves with taking space, we are changing our stance.

(continued...)

Ren Dac
Amarr
Adhocracy Incorporated
Posted - 2010.04.01 00:05:00 - [2]
 

/me runs for the hills.

Kelduum Revaan
Caldari
EVE University
Ivy League
Posted - 2010.04.01 00:05:00 - [3]
 

Edited by: Kelduum Revaan on 02/04/2010 00:06:19
(... continued from OP)

Some of the Services offered:
  • Patented UniBlob(TM) and UniLag(TM) technologies, which instil fear and panic in your enemies as local suddenly increases by more than 200 pilots.
  • Well coordinated fleets, made up of effectively worthless ships, so your enemies can never get a positive ISK ratio on their killboard.
  • Permanent damage to your chosen targets DNA, through excessive use of electronic warfare.
  • 23/7 station camping of your targets - our pilots really have nothing better to do.
  • Hordes of fearless noobs with nothing to lose, who get their ships replaced by the corp as well as free jumpclones to save those +1 implants.
  • Non-combat asset denial. By opening an Eve University office in your target system, all asteroid belts and production slots within five jumps will be instantly used up.
  • Pirate harassment. Opening an office near your target losec system will lead to fleets harassing pirates in the area 23/7, including destruction of capital ships by frigates.
  • Rapid improvement of development indices for your territory in nullsec, or harassment of your foes who are trying to increase thiers.
  • On the launch of Incarna, a new 'UniCrowd' option, populating your targets in-station hangouts with over two hundred noobs.
  • Optional exemption from hostilities, via regular small donation and standings.


To employ our services, the arrangements are relatively simple, however you have two options:

1. Speak to Silentbrick, our Director of War, and provide your target and list of services required. Costs start at 50 million ISK for the basic wardec, and scale up depending on the services required. Donations are of course welcomed to assist us in rapid replacement of any losses.

2. A little more complex, but more popular recently, is infiltrating the target corporation, and convincing them to declare war on Eve University. This option has no cost, however donations are of course welcome.


While the first option is substantially more straightforward and much quicker, the second option is more satisfying as you watch them pay for their own demise.


Already, negotiations are in progress for our first contract which is expected to go live within the next 24 hours, so keep a close eye on this thread.

We are the new m0o.
We are the new Burn Eden.
We are the new Mercenary Coalition.
We are the new Cruel Intentions.
We are the new Privateers.
We are Eve University. Hire us or fear us. Your choice.

--
Kelduum Revaan
Chief Executive Officer
Eve University <IVY>


APRIL FOOL!

Berneh
Gallente
LEGI0N
Everto Rex Regis
Posted - 2010.04.01 00:18:00 - [4]
 

Excellant !

Arconite
Amarr
The Executives
IT Alliance
Posted - 2010.04.01 00:21:00 - [5]
 

Nice try at an April Fool joke :)

bnogo
Caldari
The Executives
IT Alliance
Posted - 2010.04.01 00:22:00 - [6]
 

what he said ^^^

AdmiralJohn
Gallente
Origin of Sanshaa
Knights of the Rising Phoenix
Posted - 2010.04.01 00:28:00 - [7]
 

Edited by: AdmiralJohn on 01/04/2010 00:28:04
Oh. My. God.

You do realize that you have unleashed a monster, right? This is the end of Eve as we know it.

How do you feel now that you've put Noir. in second place?

You should do it, for real this time.

Mediastinum
Caldari
Evolution
IT Alliance
Posted - 2010.04.01 00:57:00 - [8]
 

April Fools! You hit the timing perfectly, once again.

Kuseka Adama
Gallente
Northstar Cabal
Posted - 2010.04.01 01:00:00 - [9]
 

Is it april fools though?

I've seen crazier things actually happen in our life time...and they DO have the firepower.

pc dude
Minmatar
Ghosts of Ragnarok
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2010.04.01 01:02:00 - [10]
 

Edited by: pc dude on 01/04/2010 01:02:49
Originally by: AdmiralJohn
Edited by: AdmiralJohn on 01/04/2010 00:28:04
Oh. My. God.

You do realize that you have unleashed a monster, right? This is the end of Eve as we know it.

How do you feel now that you've put Noir. in second place?

You should do it, for real this time.


noir is like a sharp knife wielded by a ninja, who shank the target in a dark alley (or wherever you want them shanked); these guys are like a plastic bag and a baseball bat wielded by a hoard of cracked out midgets(from what i can tell). they might not kill the target so quickly or efficiently, but they're cheap, and even if he doesnt die, but his pride, his head and his balls are sure gonna hurt.

so it does not seem to me so much that they dethroned noir, they just perform a different (but similar) sort of service in a similar sort of way to achieve a goal of a different sort. sometimes you just wanna see your enemy get beat up by a hoard of midgets vOv

p.s. noir. your still my favorite =p

edit: too bad, you got me. april fools. dammit you got me lol

Kalanar
Caldari
Wrecking Shots
-Mostly Harmless-
Posted - 2010.04.01 01:05:00 - [11]
 

Bravo good sir, regardless of whether or not this is April Fools.

Gingawa
Caldari
Platinum Dragons
Intrepid Crossing
Posted - 2010.04.01 01:42:00 - [12]
 

So.. You're like Goonswarm in Empire? Now ain't that just great.

P3ROXIDE
Caldari
Wildly Inappropriate
Wildly Inappropriate.
Posted - 2010.04.01 01:52:00 - [13]
 

Highly recommended service.
Hired them to shut down the aldrat system a year or two ago. They did it with ease.

Kriekon
Gallente
BURN EDEN
Posted - 2010.04.01 02:34:00 - [14]
 

Edited by: Kriekon on 01/04/2010 02:36:41
Confirming they are the new Burn Eden.

rantuket
Caldari
SPORADIC MOVEMENT
Merciless.
Posted - 2010.04.01 02:47:00 - [15]
 

This is the most exciting thing to happen within EVE since... since... HELL THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING THING!

Hiring you guys tomorrow.

mjed mazga
Caldari
Strange Energy
Gentlemen's Agreement
Posted - 2010.04.01 03:21:00 - [16]
 

This is, by far, one of those most win posts I've ever seen on the E-O forums.

Good job, sir, I approve of this message with my laughter and mirth. April Fool's joke or not, I wish you the best.


Qui Binder
Gallente
Dead Pilots Society
Chaos Theory Alliance
Posted - 2010.04.01 03:47:00 - [17]
 

Recommended: I hired Eve Uni to camp my co-worker, and he doesn't even play Eve.

They got him to sign up, join E-Uni and then forced him to say docked up in station during wartimes.

Would hire them again.

Cyrus Doul
Caldari
E0 Corp
Innovia Alliance
Posted - 2010.04.01 04:11:00 - [18]
 

page one!

Fugusha Kisai
Gallente
Nagrom Security Syndicate
Warped Aggression
Posted - 2010.04.01 04:16:00 - [19]
 

Beware the mobs of frigates...

FerociousAndAdorable
Caldari
Di-Tron Heavy Industries
Atlas Alliance
Posted - 2010.04.01 04:28:00 - [20]
 

Originally by: Kelduum Revaan
(... continued from OP)

destruction of capital ships by frigates.


GoonSwarm wanna-bees?

The PitBoss
Caldari
Interstellar Brotherhood of Gravediggers
The 0rphanage
Posted - 2010.04.01 05:07:00 - [21]
 

Edited by: The PitBoss on 01/04/2010 05:10:34


Originally by: Kelduum Revaan
We are the new m0o.
We are the new Burn Eden.
We are the new Mercenary Coalition.
We are the new Cruel Intentions.
We are the new Privateers.



^^ Not even close Rolling Eyes

1) Best April Fools Joke in-game EVER ...

2) Wrong Forum for banging your merc chest ...

3) You had your 'niche' in-game ... you just ruined it

4) Teaching noobs how to blob isn't teaching them at all ...

5) Good luck Wink



Aluin Chaput
Caldari
Sacred Templars
Black Star Alliance
Posted - 2010.04.01 06:17:00 - [22]
 

This would be awesome if it where not an April fools joke.

Minigin
Caldari
Genos Occidere
HYDRA RELOADED
Posted - 2010.04.01 06:18:00 - [23]
 

LOL FRIKING GOOD ONE!

Trade Boss
Caldari
Dark-Rising
IT Alliance
Posted - 2010.04.01 06:29:00 - [24]
 

10 for Originality . Great way to wake up, reading this :)

RifterDrifter
Minmatar
La Blue Girl
KUGUTSUMEN.
Posted - 2010.04.01 07:04:00 - [25]
 

Well played OP, well played.

Vardemis
Caldari
Jericho Fraction
The Star Fraction
Posted - 2010.04.01 07:09:00 - [26]
 

Nice once. Very Happy

Hiro Apropos
Caldari
M. Corp
Daisho Syndicate
Posted - 2010.04.01 08:24:00 - [27]
 

I bow before the power of my Alma Mater , well played sirs, well played.

Omber Zombie
Gallente
Frontier Technologies
Posted - 2010.04.01 08:49:00 - [28]
 

*opens his wallet*

Laughing

Vernn Miller
Caldari
Dreddit
Test Alliance Please Ignore
Posted - 2010.04.01 09:16:00 - [29]
 

Bah nearly bought it till I looked at the post date and realized its April 1st Laughing .

Fossil Wolf
Caldari
omen.
Posted - 2010.04.01 09:33:00 - [30]
 

SeeD


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