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Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2008.07.02 01:39:00 - [1]
 

In an age of darkness...

At a time of crisis...

When the winds of war sweep across the four great Empires of Man...



In this era of woe, few are willing to take a stand for justice.

Few will fight to right the fiscal wrongs that afflict mankind.

Few are willing to walk the thankless path of tax collection.




We are those few.


We are the IRS.



These are our logs...






And so begins the sixth installment of the critically acclaimed Taxman series. The previous chapters being The Taxman Cometh, Taxman II: Amarr Safari, Taxman III: Attack of the Blob, Taxman IV: Rogue Agent(sucked), and Taxman V: Back in Black. As always thanks to all of our readers for the comments and feedback we have received. For those who do not enjoy the audit logs, please go swallow some thumbtacks or something else equally detrimental to your health.


Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2008.07.02 01:41:00 - [2]
 

Audit Log 20080628.2222 - Been a busy few days since the KMS audit. Checking every out of the way belt. Every dark and seedy station. Leave no can unflipped. No employment history unchecked. Constantly searching. Looking for the true criminal nature hidden beneath the soft cushy carebear exterior. Trying to uncover the Evil Genius of the North.

Had little success to begin with. Minor misdemeanors here and there. Sin impounding about 30mil or so worth of ore and ice. Typical day's hard work. Was rolling patrols in the Moa when we come across a Hulk and Itty5 in Hageken. Could tell right off there was something wrong. The sunshine and rainbow stickers on the ships. The labeled cargo can. The cloud of untouched Gurista wrecks. It's obvious. Unlicensed miners. scum. Hit the microwarp and come barreling in. Slam into the Itty and send it careening across the belt. Spin back around and head for the can. Hulk has T2 Hammers out, trying to bluff me off. It's gonna take alot more than that. Kick open the can and take a look inside. Scordite. 45K. Figures.

In the process of impounding when we get warp-ins. Pair of Drakes. Gonna take more than that too. Don't they get it? This is a Moa! Apparently they don't. Drakes lock up and fire. Fools! You just signed your death warrant! Set the ECM drones on one, start chewing with the ACs on the other. Hulk just watching. Progressing slowly. Drake shields dropping slowly. Mine going a bit faster. Another warp-in. Raven! Umm... yeah, that's about what it's gonna take. Pop the impounded ore. Hit the MWD. Get some distance. Range them out and watch. Doesn't take long for their frustration to set in. Drakes warp out. One apparently so upset he tried to take it out on a station. Sentry guns had something to say about that though. Idiot. Decide to leave it at that. Should be a good object lesson that crime never pays.

Next week or so passes idly. Spot taxations and audits. Sin Fae stumbled on another KMS blackmarket mining op. Had to audit thier Retriever with her Buzzard. She's wicked with that thing. Ran into some back-alley belt butchery myself not minutes afterward. Hulk and Itty5 brutally murdering roids. Sunshine and rainbow stickers again. Same crew as last week. Having none of that here. Not on my watch! Charge in with the Moa. Bodyslam the Itty again. Check the can. Only a bookmark. Damn. Itty5 dusts itself off and sulks back to position. Alright then. Two can play this game. Drop a can and wait. They're fast though. Sly rogues and their shell games. Jump the ore from can to Itty too fast for me to impound. Annoying. But just gotta be patient. Itty5 runs to make a station drop. Keep eyeing the can and finally he does it. Drops a load with no Itty nearby. Immediately sieze the evidence. Hulk locks up. Grin and wait.

And then the Raven warps in. Great. Meh, it's only one Raven though. Take the first volley, and then unload on it. ACs rattling away. Almost making a noticeable impact when a Rohk warps in as well. Just gets better and better. Rails, not so bad then. Taking some serious shield damage when the drones start coming in. The Hulk's drones. About damn time! Bounce off the Raven and MWD towards sunshine and rainbows. Point and guns. Launch the drones. Hobgobbies this time for extra goodness. Hulk shields start stripping away, but mine are too. Already at quarter and battleships don't seem inclined to stop. Hulk shields fail and I'm in half armor. Not good. Start aligning. Cruises and rails still pounding me. EMP ripping holes in the miner. I'm into structure, but so is the Hulk. Another volley of cruises hit. Love that Damage Control. Hulk flaming. Structure ripped apart in chunks. Another cruise volley incoming. Hulk detonates. Punch warp and gtfo! 18% structure. Have had worse.

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2008.07.02 01:42:00 - [3]
 


Audit Log 20080628.2222 - Cont. - Do some research while the Moa is in for repairs. Some fairly dedicated villains. Don't hesitate to bring out the heavy firepower. Database shows them thugging under the gangname Void Engineers. A methuselah corp, been around almost since the beginning. No obvious connections to the usual suspects though. But that might be why they've lasted so long. They hide it better than the others do. They must know something about the criminal mastermind. They have to! Do a tax log search. They're delinquent. Of course they are. 100 million ISK. Send The Letter. 24 hours until the audit. Void Engineers, prepare to meet your worst nightmare - Justice.


Sean Avery
Setenta Corp
-Mostly Harmless-
Posted - 2008.07.02 02:19:00 - [4]
 

Oh my, I can't wait

Go Vlad Go!

SETH KAIN
Caldari
Noir.
Posted - 2008.07.02 02:53:00 - [5]
 

No doubt they are dirty! Really only 100 million? Covered their tracks well I see. Good luck with the audit. Keep us posted. SETH

techzer0
Caldari Provisions
Posted - 2008.07.02 03:55:00 - [6]
 

No doubt it will be a short audit, unless you find more evidence Twisted Evil

Rock'mar Khan
Minmatar
Sebiestor Tribe
Posted - 2008.07.02 04:06:00 - [7]
 

Wow - great reading!

I can almost see it as a half hour TV show or something... very gritty feel to it... space-noir-repo-tax collecing... very good stuff.

Jaratsri
Veto.
Veto Corp
Posted - 2008.07.02 05:17:00 - [8]
 

Edited by: Jaratsri on 02/07/2008 05:17:32
Awesome, another taxman chapter, starting off nice here

As poster above me so elegantly put it, Go Vlad Go!

William Escobar
Gallente
Trichomes Unlimited
Posted - 2008.07.02 05:18:00 - [9]
 

I loves these...

Wideen
Total Mayhem.
Cry Havoc.
Posted - 2008.07.02 06:22:00 - [10]
 

impatiently waiting!

Case Kovaks
Suddenly Ninjas
Tear Extraction And Reclamation Service
Posted - 2008.07.02 08:31:00 - [11]
 

Originally by: Sean Avery
Go Vlad Go!


Quoted for Truth! Very Happy

Gigi Kent
Caldari
Posted - 2008.07.02 09:12:00 - [12]
 

MOAR MOAR MOAR
Best poster in C+P, GO GO VLAD

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2008.07.02 15:10:00 - [13]
 

Audit Log 20080629.1407 - Hours leading up to the audit are quiet. Tense. Over a 100 thugs this time. Have faced more, but still isn't easy. Sin Fae using tax bonus to buy her first battleship. Debating between Scorp or Raven. Bit worried. Can she handle a BS? Great mining tax specialist, but seems to lack that visceral hatred criminals. Might be because she was one too at one point. Ran with the wrong crowd, did some illegal mining. Explains why she can rattle off cycle times and ore yields. Doesn't help when enforcing an audit though. And can neither afford nor accept failure. Would hate to see her meet the same fate as spacedavey14.


Audit Log 20080630.2043 - It's started. Screens blinking red. 102,000,000 ISK. Criminals have fled their normal haunts and hang-outs. Pulled back to Arvasaras, dead end ice system. Nothing in belts or stations. Takes a bit of time, but find them at a distant planet. At a POS. DG tower, lots of cruise batteries. Might be hard to break that solo. 14 of them holed up inside. Cowering. Wise choice with only one tax agent in system. Recon for a few hours. Arazu is good for something after all I guess. Ship types, mounted weapons, orbit speeds, good info. Set up a good safe and take a break. After all, few things more frightening than an afk cloaker.

Return a couple hours later to good news. First kill. Kinda. Void Engineers attacked an associate of Sin Fae. An unaffiliated associate. Figures they would. Indiscriminate mining generally leads to indiscriminate attacks. Bloody criminals. CONCORD took exception of course. Annihilated their Drake. Raistlin297. Same idiot that thought venting on a station was a good idea. Criminals never learn. Ever. 82,000,000 ISK.

Try to talk some sense into the POS huggers. Silent little slave drones though. Rigidly adhering to their onerous corporate policies. Give up and head back up to Hag. Takes them a little bit, but they eventually follow. Swapped their ships though. Pair of frigates and a pair of Ravens now. Well I can swap up too. Walk the shipline. Pick out the dusty one. Been awhile since I've flown it. Wanted to wait til the T2 Ogres were ready. They are, and so am I. It's time for the Ishtar!


Scurvy Rickett
Posted - 2008.07.02 16:06:00 - [14]
 

a new log! so soon!

/finds clean underwear Embarassed

General Hawke
Random Selection.
Tactical Narcotics Team
Posted - 2008.07.02 18:14:00 - [15]
 

And...

Sean Avery
Setenta Corp
-Mostly Harmless-
Posted - 2008.07.02 19:17:00 - [16]
 

Originally by: General Hawke
And...


http://www.soundboard.com/sb/EntroX.aspx

#22......just wait, Vlad delivers

Omae Gaw'd
Gallente
VMF-214 Blacksheep
Posted - 2008.07.02 22:59:00 - [17]
 

Yayy, more VladArt!

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2008.07.03 01:55:00 - [18]
 

Audit Log 20080630.2043 - Cont. - Undock the Ishtar and it's on! Throw the drones on the Raven and get some space. Kessie and Merlin closing in to tackle. Another Raven and a Drake warp-in. Not good. Wait for the Merlin to get in close, then hit it with the web, ACs, and Neuts. Lasts for barely a second. Kessie moronically follows in it's footsteps. Shares the same fate. Focus attention back to the Raven. Close into orbit and lay in the ACs. Drones working away, but not making the dent I expected. And taking more damage than I expected. Have pretty decent resists, but dual cruise volleys still blowing away armor in chunks. Time to even this out.

Give the command and Sin Fae uncloaks. Scorp on overwatch, 100km off the station. Always have a back-up plan. Jams slow down the damage, but still hurts when you've only got a buffer tank. Getting into third armor, and Raven at half shields. This ain't gonna happen. Pull the drones and start burning along the bottom of station. Cruises and heavies still following. And hitting. Hard. Armor breaks and into structure. Get to see just how much damage they are really doing. Alot. Start aligning, but the MWD is being a little biitch again. More hull hits. This could be embarassing. Finally get lined up. And warp. Third structure. Not highly impressed. Probably gonna stick with the Vexor. But still got those pair of birdies to take care of.

Quick repair and warp back. Ravens conveniently docked at station. Cyg Cypher and Prometheus Unbound. Where the feck do they come up with these names? Whatever. Dust off the Domi this time. What? Did you think I wouldn't plan ahead and move ships down? Idiots. Wait a few minutes and then follow them in the undock queue. As the saying goes, two birds with one Domi (or something like that). Engage the closest. Cyg Cypher, used mining crystal salesman and occasional purveyor of the 10x Jita scam. Release the drones and start pounding with the Electrons. Void Blackbird and Merlin warp in. Mmm, I see. Four birds. For that you need a Scorp too.

Sin Fae uncloaks. Jams fly everywhere. Blackbird runs. Barely having to run the repper now. Cyggie dropping fast. But Paradise cruises, drones, and blasters tend to have that effect. Shields break. Armor and hull vanish in seconds. MWD through the explosion towards Prometheus. Appropriate name. A betrayer and a cheat, and your sufferring will be eternal. But silly vultures will be the least of your worries this time. Lay on the web and point. Shields hold for a few moments and then buckle. Quick scan of the battlefield. Merlin looting the wrecks. Little carrion-bird bastard! But not much I can do about it. Focus back on Promy. Shields down. Armor. Smile. Hull dropping. Next volley finishes it. And I lose lock. WTF?! It warps. StabRaven. That's just... great. Would of gotten it too if I had overloaded the guns. But who would of expected a stab? Oh well. Still kicked the snot out of it. Fit to fail, and you always will. Check the remaining evidence. BCUs and Invulns were thieved, but still some T2 PDUs and named boost amp. Not bad. Ledger screen fades to black. -53,000,000 ISK credit. But we're nowhere close to done yet.

Swap out to the Vexor and do some quick patrols. Another pair of hoodlums entering system. That classic idiot Raistlin297 and a new victim Maximus Zarilius. Both in Drakes. Of course. Plus those two frigate fools from before. In frigates yet again. Oh this should be fun. Sin left system awhile ago, but shouldn't be a problem. Criminals loittering around station. Head back, swap out to the Myrm. Yeah, I moved quite a few ships down. Undock and the bell rings. Round 3! Ready. Fight!

Sean Avery
Setenta Corp
-Mostly Harmless-
Posted - 2008.07.03 03:08:00 - [19]
 

1 day and way into the black already....this is going to be a fun read. Might have to go on another road trip to see the always interesting local comms interaction when the IRS shows up.

Jaratsri
Veto.
Veto Corp
Posted - 2008.07.03 05:51:00 - [20]
 

Vlad makes C+P shine just a little more with these logs.

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2008.07.03 07:15:00 - [21]
 

Edited by: Vladimir Norkoff on 03/07/2008 07:23:29


Audit Log 20080630.2043 - Cont. - Frigs come screaming in again. Same idiotic pilots. Same fail tactics. Same exact result. They. Never. Ever. Learn. Small neuts against a Myrm? When did that seem like a good idea? Merlin webbed and obliterated (-53.5mil). Pod wobbles for a moment and warps out. Kessie comes soaring in next. Takes a facefull of EMP and explodes (-54). Laugh. Idiot. Pod wonders what the hell happened. Then runs after his buddy. Well, warm up is over boys. Time for the main event. Spin cycle the ACs and turn back towards the Drakes. Eeny meeny miney mo. We'll take Raistlin first. Never been partial to sword & sorcery names. Start laying in with the guns and drones. Shields shatter immediately. This is a Drake tank? Pathetic. Taking some hits myself, but can't push us past half armor. Sin Fae finally jumps into system. Calls for location. Just follow the trail of pods. And about to send another your way. Drake shudders and explodes (Cha-ching! -74). Pod sits there dumb founded.

Y'know, think I changed my mind. You don't deserve to live after a fit like that. Point the pod. Sin warps in to see a fine green mist. Who's next? Oh yes, Maximus Zarilius. Looks a bit lonely with none of his wingmates. Here, play with some drones. Has a real tank. Not bad. Close into AC range and let rip. Hurts? Sin locks up, and pushes it over the edge. Shields fail. Armor shreds. Hull riddled with holes and disintegrates. Total party kill. Beautiful. Check Maxi's evidence. Some decent T2. And expensively rigged. Nice. -124 million ISK. Eight redistributions in just over an hour. This isn't an audit. It's butchery. And I love it.

We are indeed superior to the Other in every way. It could never accomplish something like this. And Sin Fae has proven herself invaluable. What she lacks in the audit instinct, she more than makes up for it in adaptability and timing. And to think I had considered having her eliminated after the Drake fiasco. Heh. I blame it on the influence of the Other. But whatever. Now is not a time for otherself-recrimination. There is still work to do. Jump down to their deadend system. Once again make them try to see reason. Use all our powers of persuasion. "Pay or die, biitchez." They remain silent. Cowering. Clutching onto each other in their dismal little POS bubble. So be it. You've only begun to know sufferring Void Engineers. It gets so much worse from here.

Sin Fae
Operational Detachment-Alpha
Posted - 2008.07.03 14:41:00 - [22]
 

Edited by: Sin Fae on 03/07/2008 14:41:20
It's true. I found Vlad that day by following the podsShocked

Lagerstars
Caldari
Caldari Provisions
Posted - 2008.07.03 15:19:00 - [23]
 

These do make for an entertaining read!
Keep the logs coming!

Petra Arkania
Minmatar
Ajo Heavy Industries
Posted - 2008.07.03 19:26:00 - [24]
 

hi, where do i vote for "Vlad for Supreme Ruler of the Entire Universe"?

Sol'Kanar
Private Nuisance
Segregati0n
Posted - 2008.07.03 19:59:00 - [25]
 

Really like the writing style! Plz write moar. kthx.

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2008.07.03 23:08:00 - [26]
 

Audit Log 20080701.2301 - Next day starts off poorly. Wake up. Shower. Balanced breakfast, exact proportions. Tall glass of synthahol and turn on the computer. Blinking red message. Loss report. Sin Fae got hit in a Buzzard. Non-audit related mining taxation. Apparently got popped by a leather cop, a lumberjack, a construction worker, and an... Indian chief? WTF?! That's fecking it! Grab a blaster from a drawer and call her into the office. This fail ends now! Comes sauntering in. Smile and take aim from beneath the desk. And that's when she shows the T2 Strip Miners. Huh? She popped a Void Hulk? err... That's why I called you in. Good job! Employee of the Month! Immediate promotion to Mining Tax Specialist. Double her non-existant pay. Employees are our most valuable asset after all. Manage to give the congratulatory handshake with one hand beneath the desk. Hope she doesn't get the wrong idea. Whatever. Knew she had it in her all along. Rising star. Will definitely go far. Check the ledgers, Void account at -219,000,000 ISK credit. No doubt due to our inspired leadership.

Hop in the Vexor and run some patrols. Getting ghosted by a Void covert ops. Annoying. Mika Evanovich, known Crystal Egg addict and occassional actress of "furry" vids. Will have to do something about her eventually. Hit their deadend system, eight in local. Harbie and Phoon waiting on gate. Perfect, fresh meat! Lock 'em up and launch the drones. Harbie first. Point and start closing. It locks back and... jams me? What?! And then warps? What the hell? Hit scan, nothing incoming. Bizarre. Focus on the Phoon. Heavies and arties. Taking some decent damage. Pop some drones, still nothing inbound. Warp before armor gets too low. Very strange. Send out the demand for submission. Once again the reply is silence. Turtling up again. Idiots.

Jump out and keep patrolling. Still getting stalked by the furry actress. Bounce about and lose her. Run a locator for a straggler. Mission hub near Jita. Make the jumps, come up empty. Sad Vlad. Head back up and pick up my tail in Akonoinen. Had about enough of this crap. Jump to Hag and power back to gate. Wait a few moments and she comes jumping through. Wait for the decloak. Recloaks too fast to lock, but MWD in her direction. Flip out the drones, overshoot the the 15km mark. Drones trundling behind. Decloak! Her panic is palpable. You're mine biitch! Lock and point. Power into range and unload with the ACs. Instapops. Lock up the pod. Last I checked, she had a full set of Level 4 implants. Time for her to go shopping again. Check the evidence. Some T2 and was rigged. And the Cloak survived. Excellent, will help out Sin a bit. Corp systems display -249,000,000 ISK credit. Life is good.

Unsurprisingly, the remaining patrols are quiet. Evening rolls around and start to consider new ways to demand payment. Then we get the letter. From ******, a Void Engineer goon operating behind their CEO's back. "How much to stop the carnage?" For the first time ever, I don't know how to respond. We have contingency plans for almost every possibility. But never planned for somebody actually paying thier bill. We just sit at the desk dumbfounded.

White Chasm
Caldari
Carebear Group of Bishkek
ROL.Citizens
Posted - 2008.07.04 01:50:00 - [27]
 

Fantastic read.

Little Matt
Caldari
New Fnord Industries
Posted - 2008.07.04 06:14:00 - [28]
 

Someone is daring to try and bribe an officer of the IRS?
Surely they must be thinking you're corruptible?

Elodie Debauve
Posted - 2008.07.10 01:54:00 - [29]
 

So, how did the story end?

Sin Fae
Operational Detachment-Alpha
Posted - 2008.07.10 02:19:00 - [30]
 

Edited by: Sin Fae on 10/07/2008 02:23:08
Edited by: Sin Fae on 10/07/2008 02:22:37

................
I crept up to Vlad's office the other day and I think he locked himself in there again. He does that and it is worrisome. I heard a buzzing sound but it wasn't the chainsaw. I thought I saw something but that happens sometimes. Then my wallet glistened.
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