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Atomos Darksun
Northern Coalition.
Posted - 2008.02.29 03:40:00 - [1]

Atomos' Guide to Forum Flaming

Welcome to Atomos' Guide to Forum Flaming. I am your host Atomos Darksun, AKA Atom, Atmos, and my personal favorite, "How the hell do you prounounce your name?"

1. It has to be personal. This guy just insulted your mother. And you. And your people. And your people's people. Also all of their friends. And your friends. Except you have none. Also they pity your dog.

2. Do not talk in l337 speak or anything resembling it. Make sure to throw in plenty of words like ****er and ****, and use proper grammar and punctuation. This makes you sound British and makes you immediately superior to the person you're flaming. (I myself am not British, but let's just run with this)

3. Use the biggest words possible. The less the person you're flaming understands the better. This makes them feel stupid and gives you an immediate advantage. Also throwing in quantam mechanic theories does the trick. Quixotic and Schrodingers cat are nice examples of this, along with completely long and drawn out analogies.

4. I'm backing up here for a minute. The first thing you need to do in your flame is to address the flamer. Say hello. Tell him your name, and something you like to do in your freetime. Chances are if you're reading this all you do in your freetime is play Eve. But do not say that whole thing, half truths are a godsend. Anyways, to the point. Address his flame. Tell him how and why he's right. Then you can catch him completely off guard when you start to tell him the reasons why YOU'RE right. This is the most key point of persuading somebody do do something, and everybody has seem to have forgotten this. It's kind of the same way that people have forgotten how to use the buttons on a TV instead of the remote, or how they've forgotten manners and how to open doors. With new technological advances, there is no need to know how to do the above things anymore, unless you still live in the stone age like me and rather like doorknobs. However there are "advances" in technology that are bad. Your mum jokes are an example of this, and so are the good ways to argue with people. It's the exact same thing as Windows Vista. It is supposedly an advance but it is a complete downgrade. It has more technical problems, it cannot run anything without making said thing have problems, it sucks up more CPU use, more hardrive space, and it comes with Internet Explorer 7. (Again, I'm an oldschooler, I rather like my favorites drop down menu on Explorer 6 thank you very much).

5. Back to where we were. Do not stoop down to their level with "your mum" jokes and whatnot, because that is implying that you are short. Nobody likes to be short. Why do you think there are so many midget jokes? The same reason why there are so many lawyer and politician jokes out there, nobody wants to be them. So by implying that you are short you're also implying that you are weak and scrawny, or just really really fat. By not giving them the impression that you're short also makes them think that you are tall, and generally people don't like to have to talk to tall people because it hurts their necks to look at them. This makes them give up much sooner.

6. Use humor. Don't use the "your mum" kind of humor. Use the kind of humor that everybody can relate to. Such as lawyer jokes, and short jokes. Or Hitchhiker's jokes for all I care. Just make them feel comfortable. Then smash their head in with your completely superior British logic and leave them completely dumbfounded like President Bush when he figured out how to work a slinky.

Atomos Darksun
Northern Coalition.
Posted - 2008.02.29 03:41:00 - [2]

Oh, but there is more.

7. I have come to feel that since Instant Messengers have become popular that proper English has gone down the drain. Do not talk like you are texting somebody. You're not typing with your thumbs (unless you have no fingers. If anybody out here has only thumbs and is reading this, is it just like having to constantly text somebody? Once again I have no idea what texting is like because I live back in the stone age where if I want to talk to somebody I'll just CALL them, or for the sake of my humanity go talk to them in person. As for calling them that is what the phone was invented for, wasn't it?). Back to the point, I rather enjoy reading proper English in a flame, It catches me off guard in this digital world where we talk more in letters and acronyms than actual words.

People do not enjoy walls of text either. Text breaks are also a godsend. Like the above one. How would you like it if I had not broken any text above? It'd be like reading six Stephen King novels in a row; they all have the same plot, and it completely hurts your brain and your eyes simultaneously.

8. If you're just really tired like I am right now, use an easy-flame format. I'll usually pop out the one I use every 10 posts or so, so if you don't have access to one I can send you mine or you can go look it up yourself. This may come across as a bit lazy on your part, but it's rather hard to counter flame. If I go tell somebody to bash up their modem and eat it, and they respond with increased aggression, then I can take the moral high road and say that they're childish, etc etc. A clunky, but easy, win.

9. If you're using numbers, don't skip them. I know that somebody is going to look up and down now to see if I did skip any, to try and flame me for this uncannily long post, but to let you know, I didn't. Also, it is nice to finish on numbers like nine or 10. Or 16. Something that isn't clunky like four, four just isn't a nice number to end on. Five is acceptable, and as is three, but six is right out.

10. Do not ramble on. Once your point has been proven get out quickly before they get bored and stop reading your post. I don't know how many of you I lost while you were reading this post, but I'm estimating it at half or more. Shame, you missed out on so much. I haven't even mentioned the cake part yet. An almost essential part of a post is to mention cake or pie in it. Once you have done this the post can be nicely finished and wrapped up. Also, as with the greetings, end on a nice note with something like, "have a good day, chap", or if it was a really aggressive flame, the ever nice "In closing, I'd like to say, **** you", may also be used.

By doing the above you should come out as a properly superior British flamer. This means that you have won. Here is your cake. Or it means you shall come out looking like Atomos Darksun after his usual combat of the day, which is losing 2.4 ships and getting laughed at by his buddies.

Have a good day. I know I won't. It's -20 degrees Kelvin out. Wisconsin rules.

Brea Lafail
Posted - 2008.02.29 03:53:00 - [3]

1. OMG u noob u canot have kelvin.
Did I do it right?

Best new thread in a while, though.

Atomos Darksun
Northern Coalition.
Posted - 2008.03.13 20:18:00 - [4]

best post evar.

North Eastern Swat
Pandemic Legion
Posted - 2008.03.13 20:26:00 - [5]


Posted - 2008.03.13 20:35:00 - [6]

Edited by: Asestorian on 13/03/2008 20:35:37
I have to agree that we British are superior. And here's another hint, use italics and bold a lot to emphasise important points or to stress words, because it makes you seem like you know your way around the forum. And we all know that people who know their way around the forum are better than you.

Edit: Don't edit like I just did, especially to fix grammar because you're dyslexic, because it makes you look like a failure. And that instantly makes you lose the respect of the person you are trying to troll Sad

Kazuo Ishiguro
House of Marbles
Posted - 2008.03.13 23:55:00 - [7]

Hmm - a recent example worthy of quoting:

Originally by: Blaise Farmoon
Originally by: Ravelin Eb
Oh go shave off your p0rno mustache, and go see a speech therapist, you hat wearing egomaniac.

I pick this as my favorite. The subject is able to strike deep in the heart of the victim, simultaneously attacking his self-image, verbal dexterity and character. His ability to attack on several fronts makes him a danger from any angle. Even his name is a curious combination of "raven" and "javelin" signifying a deep longing to harm where no harm was before.

The Fallen Gingerbread Men
Ethereal Dawn
Posted - 2008.03.14 00:46:00 - [8]

Awesome...Thats all I can say for this.

Oh by the way, that made my day.


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