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Synapse Archae
Amarr
Viziam
Posted - 2004.03.19 20:30:00 - [1]
 

The latest news broadcast, titled "Khanid Kingdom strenuously denies ill treatment of slaves" doesn't seem to be up to the usual quality I've come to expect from the eve reporters.

It's difficult to point out a number of definite reasons why, but the whole post really isn't up to production quality. One major mistake is the pseudo quote in the middle. Its not actually in quotes, nor does it have an author, but it is to specific to be a generalized feeling among a group of people.

Perhaps it would be better rewritten as:

"When contacted by reporters following this story, a senior Khanid slave owner is quoted as saying: 'People can rave all they want about free will, but do they really want to take a slave from the happy life a microcontroller gives him, and throw him back into the squalor and misery of his old existence, just to prove they're right on some utopian altruistic level with basis in reality?'"

This piece also could use some strenuous editing:

"The Kingdom, or Dark Amarr as it is better known as, has always been a strange mismatch of old Amarrian traditions coupled with brand new theories in technology and economics, creating a society that may seem decidedly schizophrenic to the untrained eye."

It would probably make more sense if The Kingdom (not yet a full pronoun to be capitalized, and confusing to boot) was changed to "The Khanid Kingdom." The "as" in "better known as" is totally useless, "may" makes the last fragment weak and not particularly hepful, and "schizophrenic" is more often used to describe something insane and hazardous than something with new and seemingly conflicting elements.
(http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=schizophrenic%20)

My sincerest apologies to the author of this story, but I think it needs a serious and detailed rewrite, if it is to be considered fit for posting. I and many other RP characters rely heavily on the news to maintain a mature, IC writing style. This latest story just doesn't seem to hold the mastery of the english language that would be expected of any writer for any news agency in eve. I can't ask CCP to hire writers from the New York Times, but asking for proficient volunteer reporters shouldn't prove too difficult.

Discorporation
Amarr
Evolution
Band of Brothers
Posted - 2004.03.20 16:05:00 - [2]
 

it's not written by the eve reporters Wink

Synapse Archae
Amarr
Viziam
Posted - 2004.03.21 07:33:00 - [3]
 

Yea, I'm not really sure who writes them, and I was kind of bouncing back and forth between RPing this and not; couldn't really make up my mind.

It still needs work, no matter who wrote it.

Heinky
Amarr
Viziam
Posted - 2004.04.04 16:34:00 - [4]
 

humm


 

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