open All Channels
seplocked Crime and Punishment
blankseplocked Taxman III: Attack of the Blob
 
This thread is older than 90 days and has been locked due to inactivity.


 
Pages: [1] 2

Author Topic

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2007.08.29 06:38:00 - [1]
 

Few are willing to stand against the iniquities of tax crime. Few will stare into the face of overwhelming odds and certain death without blinking. Few will tread the thankless path of tax collection.

We are those few. We are the IRS.

These are our logs...



The IRS would like to once again take this moment to thank all our readers for making the original audit logs, The Taxman Cometh and Taxman II: Amarr Safari, such a spectacular success. The feedback and comments we have received are greatly appreciated and certainly help lift our morale in these dark times. For those who do not enjoy the audit logs, please (as always) go catch a terminal disease and die a slow, painful death. Alone. You are scum.

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2007.08.29 06:38:00 - [2]
 

Edited by: Vladimir Norkoff on 29/08/2007 06:41:24


Audit Log 20070827.1903 - It's been a week since the KALHI audit. And a dull week at that. Moving ships back up from Fanaticland was hell. So many bloody jumps. Was nice to visit, but have had more than my fill. But once it was all moved, it's back to work again. No rest for the righteous. Checking corp backgrounds, contract histories, member counts, HQs, pilot ages. All to find the criminal tax evaders that are undoubtedly out there.

After three days had it narrowed down to two suspects - a corp and a syndicate. Turned out the corp got itself involved in a war during the research period. Not worth auditing then. Will probably be insolvent in a week. That leaves the syndicate. Just as well. All audits end up being against alliances anyway, so might as well cut to the chase this time.

These perps go by the name Giant Space Amoeba. BLOB for short. Lovely. They think that up themselves? Made up of three main gangs. Patriot Society, a mob of politico nutjobs sidelined for their extremist views. The Royal Guard, the syndicate's main muscle and kneebreakers. And Xtreme Fighters, a feeble huddle of deviants who only accept ethnic loser-groups named after pastries. Assorted other faceless support gangs of varying talent and ability.

Research shows a past due tax balance of 100 million ISK. Same amount all criminals seem to be delinquent. Funny that. Send Notice of Past Due Taxes. Response is as sad as it is predictable. Claims of taxes being paid, refunds being due, and swearing to never pay an ISK. Sigh. So be it. Audit begins in 24 hours.

Total BLOB of 9 gangs, with 240 thugs. One full-time tax agent... They'll need to hire more thugs.

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2007.08.29 06:39:00 - [3]
 



Audit Log 20070828.1520 - Morning of the first audit day. Writing this before the first engagement. They're out there, and they're hostile. No respect for authority, criminals to the core. Started out easy enough. Waiting for the audit to begin. 4 suspects in local. Run some quick patrols before the official start. Identify a Raven but not much else. Dock back up, pop some boosters, take a quick shower. Audit should start by now, but no red stars in commchat. Odd. Hop in the Merlin and take a look outside. Suspect Hurricane undocks right behind. Not red though. Very odd. Oh wait, the 'Cane seems to be firing. At me. Huh. Casually glance around. Nope. No Concord. Weird. 'Cane continues to rage and fire it's ACs. Ponder for a bit. Other suspects begin warping in as well. Yeah, guess that means the audit has started. Dock up as the shields finally start to get low. Reckon I'll have to do some auditing.

There's five out there now. Gonna be a bit much for the Myrm. Will have to do the Domi. The new Domi. The Domi built just for this audit. A Domi the way it's designers intended - Blasters & Drones. Hop in, check systems, ammo, drones. Good to go. Facing a 'Cane, Drake, Jag, Wolf, and Crapacal. Plus whatever else they send in. Shouldn't be a problem. I will audit them. I will audit ALL of them. And once I'm done, I'll finish the rest of today's log. But for now, it's time to undock!


Adrian Steel
Caldari
Kabukimono Exploration Syndicate
Greater Realms
Posted - 2007.08.29 08:44:00 - [4]
 

While my ignorance on your morals prevents me from making any comments concerning your aggressive poke at said syndicate's income declarations, I must say this:

This is raw genious at work here folks!

RuleoftheBone
Minmatar
Black Viper Nomads
Posted - 2007.08.29 11:03:00 - [5]
 

Fear the mighty Accountant in the Domi. All guilty unless proven innocent.

Go get 'em Vlad...and keep the logs coming Very Happy.


PhantomVyper
Dirty Filthy Perverts
Posted - 2007.08.29 13:32:00 - [6]
 

Really good start, hope the rest is just as well writen. I'm going to check out your past audits now... Twisted Evil

Slavyn Lightningsky
Minmatar
Black Aces
Against ALL Authorities
Posted - 2007.08.29 14:43:00 - [7]
 

Edited by: Slavyn Lightningsky on 29/08/2007 21:19:07
Fear nothing but his unwillingness to engage unless he's one on one with a hauler, exhumer, barge or frigate with his cloak strapped securely between his legs. Shocking Shocked that he refit and undocked this time around. I do remember he did this once before and it didn't seem to work out too well. YARRRR!! Ah well, such is the life of the Taxman. It was a pleasure while it lasted. Twisted Evil I must say; eventhough I was visualized as a "reject", your stories are still rather interesting. I did a lot of RP many many years back; however, I slowly migrated away from it.

...One of the twisted "Warspite rejects". I still find that quote rather interesting. Ah well, I've been called worse. Laughing

Until the next time, best of luck to you!

The last time he took the Domi out...

Drethon
Gallente
Selinir
Posted - 2007.08.29 15:05:00 - [8]
 

Originally by: RuleoftheBone
Fear the mighty Accountant in the Domi. All guilty unless proven innocent.

Go get 'em Vlad...and keep the logs coming Very Happy.




All are guilty unless proven broke?

Keep up the great writing Very Happy

Centinel 6
Amarr
Veto.
Veto Corp
Posted - 2007.08.29 15:24:00 - [9]
 

Awsome Vlad <3

your friends next door lol

C6


Escape Artist
Posted - 2007.08.29 15:36:00 - [10]
 

nICELY dONe vLaD

VooDoo SpYD3R
Minmatar
THE SKELETON KEY
Posted - 2007.08.29 15:37:00 - [11]
 

GOOD JOB VLAD





Alekseyev Karrde
Noir.
Noir. Mercenary Group
Posted - 2007.08.29 21:48:00 - [12]
 

Really enjoying this so far Vlad ^^

Mazca Lopez
Jericho Fraction
The Star Fraction
Posted - 2007.08.29 22:11:00 - [13]
 

your creative, yet illigit attempt at easy cash is gonna be fun for all sides I hope... will for us... hope the same for you, your alt, your noob and your grand old man who is yet to undock...

best of luck IRS.. hope to see you in space soon

angeleyess
Gallente
Cutting Edge Incorporated
RAZOR Alliance
Posted - 2007.08.29 23:37:00 - [14]
 

keep up the good work m8, maybe one day residents of EVE will hate you as much as the real world does.. :)

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2007.08.30 01:37:00 - [15]
 


Audit Log 20070828.1545- Supplement - Failure. So this it what it tastes like. It's bitter. It stings. I don't like it. The hollow emptiness and desolation of inadequacy. This must be how CPU and the Warspite rejects felt. I'm sure they are quite used to it, but I won't be. I can't be!

Undocked the Domi. Hurricane is still there. It's Malik Kalak, another one of those filthy mongrel immigrants with the sing-song names. Sitting right on the undock. He's meat. Both lock up and fire immdeiately. Kick out the drones and slap on the web and scram. Drones doing a number on the 'Cane, but blasters are shooting all over the place. Not used to them. Not like the ACs at all. Taking some hefty shield damage as well. Then play my card. Pull in the drones, unlock the 'Cane. Fake the fearful redock. It works. BLOB drones begin pouring into system.

This is more like it! Lock the 'Cane back up and fire! In proper range now, blasters start doing their thing. Drones back to work. Viewscreen is filling up with red quick. Drake, Crapacals, Vexor or two, various assault frigs and inties. Taking some heavy armor damage. Keep focusing on the 'Cane. It's into armor. Own armor keeps peeling away as well, no reps can keep up with this. 'Cane into structure. Too many of them. Getting to half armor. Hurricane pops. Can't deliver final justice. Web preventing me from grabbing the evidence. Switch to orbitting Wolf. Launch Warriors and slap on the web. It's shields drop slowly. Getting towards 40% armor. Dammit! Shoulda done Hammerheads. Can't do this. Pull in the drones, unlock targets.

More BLOB keep piling in. Up to 15 now. Oh, not good. Armor dropping even faster. Try to dock. No good. Station manager is on a food break. Fecking union workers! 25% armor, still can't dock. Get back to work you overpaid button pusher! Armor gone! Taking structure damage. Life drops into slow motion. Quarter structure disappears in one second. Oh god no. Spam the docking commchannel. Overrides. Anything! Another second, half structure. Look wildly back at the viewscreen. It's all blinking red. Trails of missiles. Drones ripping into my ship. Can see the tracers of a frig's ACs. Not like this! Not with a frig. Another second. Grit my teeth for the inevitable. The hangar fields drop and suck me in.

Glare into the commscreen panting. Docking manager is there, donut in mouth. "What's yer rush mate? If I could walk in station, I'd put a blaster bolt in his head.

The ship is in one piece. I'm still alive. They lost a BC out of an atrociously large blob. Only one BC. I swore I'd audit them all. I only got one. Failure. It hurts.

Feng Schui
Minmatar
Cruor Evertum Dominicus
Posted - 2007.08.30 01:58:00 - [16]
 

lol, enjoyable read.. not what i'm used to on the c&p forums at all =)

keep up the good audit Laughing

Drago Musevenii
Brutor Tribe
Posted - 2007.08.30 03:46:00 - [17]
 

Edited by: Drago Musevenii on 30/08/2007 03:52:09
Edited by: Drago Musevenii on 30/08/2007 03:46:42
nice writing mate. You make a rather minor engagement sound exciting. Kudos for that. But, really- Atrociously large? I'm sure it seemed bigger than it actually was to you. Next time, don't forget to stop "overcharging" your imagination Laughing

skallszy
Posted - 2007.08.30 04:08:00 - [18]
 

In face of a domi and jad Vlad and his brave domi ran away. luckily for him cause he might just have gotten a kill.

Later same day we had a domi and a Myrm downed from his corp. Tood bad the this time actually didnt run, wierd but joyfull tactics they are running from this tax agent. lol

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2007.08.30 07:17:00 - [19]
 


Audit Log 20070829.0410 - It's been just over 12 hours since the catastrophic failure. Was in shock for the first few hours. Wandered around station aimlessly. 1 out of 15. Not even 10%. Pathetic. How can I audit this way? It only reduced their fine down to 117 mil ISK. 117mil? Well come to think of it, that ain't bad. Plus we did redistribute some decent T2 gear. And the rest of them were pretty much just cruisers and frigs, so they wouldn't count for much anyway. And soon I wasn't feeling so bad after all. In fact, I was feeling pretty damn good about myself. Strolled back to the office to get some paperwork done before heading out again.

Files finished, logs sent, time to do another audit. Undock. Rep up the Domi. No point in paying repairs just so the docking manager can stuff his face again. Slow going. BLOB hooligans wander by and start harassing. Usual cruisers and frigs. Drake. Deimos. And a Hype. Bloody hell. Takes a bit, but we're back in business, all systems green. Hype has run off by this point. Guess he knows what's coming. Well we'll just take the consolation audit then.

Lock up the Deimos, and use drones and blasters to request payment of past due taxes. They try paying with guns, drones, and missiles of their own. Not exactly what I was hoping for. Blasters take a few seconds to find their range, but once they do, the hurt is on. Deimos reppers try to keep up, but it's futile. It's armor blown away in chunks by Zerks and antimatter. Own armor slowly dropping, but no cause for concern. Only a matter of time for the Deimos though. Start picking next target. Drake or the annoying frig. Decisions, decisions. Glance back at the Deimos, into structure. Buh-bye little HAC. Sucks to be you! Hahah- Wait. He just escaped web range! Crap! Trying to microwarp out of scram range. Go drones, go! Drones chasing. Firing. He's still taking damage! Bastard is too fast! Scurries off trailing flames. Damn. Sloppy Vlad, sloppy.

Worse yet, he's set off a rout. The rest begin fleeing as well. Drake then. Quick lock and scram to hold it. Launch the Praetors and get into optimal. Big fat shield signature. Ridiculously slow speed. Perfect target. Electrons begin pummeling. Criminal stops firing, desperately tries to contact the station manager. I smile. His drones are still on me. Praetors obliterate the shields. He's screaming now. Begging and pleading to be let in. Blasters take slow measured strikes into his hull. He's still sobbing as the ship explodes around him. Leaving just the pod. Start locking. Pull in the Praetors, and send out the Warriors. Scram and send the little monsters to do their work. He's desperately slamming the commbutton to the very last.

Will have to remember to send the Docking Manager a box of donuts.

BLOB outstanding taxes and fines now stand at 84,000,000 ISK.


Auricle
Amarr
The Leather Knights
Opticon Alliance
Posted - 2007.08.30 07:23:00 - [20]
 

Vlad, I enjoy your posts, and I look foreward to our first meeting... It should be fun. :D

Deepfunk 9
Posted - 2007.08.31 01:44:00 - [21]
 

Edited by: Deepfunk 9 on 31/08/2007 01:55:10
Vlad, that was me in the wolf on my alt Sho. You actualy did take a modest swipe at me and for a second there I thought I was gonna lose my pimpmobile because a couple of luckey hits from the zerks in rappid succession damn near put me into structure, that and you had me nicely webbed, felt like two actualy.

Almost gotcha tho if it hadnt been for that meddling microwarpdive. YARRRR!!

I feel left out :<

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2007.08.31 19:15:00 - [22]
 

Edited by: Vladimir Norkoff on 31/08/2007 19:19:12

Audit Log 20070831.0617 - The last few couple days have been eventful, but not terribly productive. The BLOB is tricky and full of animal cunning. Constantly changing tactics like some amorphus amoeba-like thing. They've pulled off station to camp the gates. Attempting to pen me in system. Try to scan me down with probes. Won't work. I am the Arazu. I am Ninja!

Find a BLOB Crapacal drifting 90km off gate. Has a Raven, Domi, and Drake sitting on gate as backup. Helios is lurking about running ineffectual scans as well. Stalk into 20km when the Crapacal starts heading back towards gate. Now or never. Drop the cloak, launch the Hammerheads. Freaking lock delay! He lights me up first. Minor damage. But drones are off and away. Follow up with damp, scram, rails. Raven locking. Helios uncloaks, 80km off. Hammerheads shred the Crapacal's shields. Not liking this though. Align and hit the microwarp. Out of Raven range. Crapacal starting to hit armor. Interceptor warps in! Damn. Time to scoot. Later drones, hope you find a nice home. Warp to safety.

Meh. Coulda been better. But no point risking the Arazu for a cruiser audit. Run some patrols in the evening. Nothing in the area. The BLOB fears the dark. Chat with an agent. There's a BLOB in Torrinos, 16 jumps. How can it be 16 jumps?! It's the same damn region! Takes less to get to Amarr. Whatever. Make the haul. Looks like a BLOB Raven. And looks like the BLOB Raven docks whenever I enter system. Fecking sissy. Fine. Done for the night.

Next day fairly similar. Battleships on gates (as if I couldn't just jump through them). A couple inties floating patrolling. Looks like they're sending a different idiot out in a Crapacal this time. He's running belts. Yeah it's bait. I'll bite. Not worried, only criminals get caught in traps. Narrow him down, warp in cloaked. Just as he is warping out. Chase. Belt after belt. Not staying put. He's not very good bait. Fine, jump one belt ahead.

Seems he did too! At the same distance. Not good. He's sitting 5km above me. And now he decides to hang around? WTF is up with this guy? He starts heading in towards the belt center, not aligned. Good. Get proper distance, uncloak. Light him up and send in the drones. Completely locked down. All I need is time. Not getting it though. Claw and Taranis on scan. Crapacal into armor. Try to make it work. Claw coming out of warp. It's Malak! That poor Hurricane chump. Stretch it out. Claw turns on a dime and starts powering towards me. Getting closer, Crapcal still in armor. Not gonna happen. Cloak and change direction. Taranis hits belt. Definitely not gonna happen. Claw screams by. Decloaked! Oh shi-

They're relocking. Slam the microwarp. Gotta get range. Claw swings around, 25km. Grab a warp target at random. Aligning. Claw has lock, barreling in. No scram? Must be short range. Taranis beelining as well. Crap! Crap! Crap! Claw is at 15km. 12. 10. 9. 8. Warp!!... Geezus! That was way too close.

Hit station and swap out for the Domi. Can take their Raven and a few Inties easy. Undock. They apparently swapped out too. Raven, Phoon, Drake, Crapacal, and an Astarte. Damn. That's a bit too much. Take some damage. Dock back up. Ponder. How the hell am I gonna break these guys?

Rameus Luxmaar
Immortalis Inc.
Shadow Cartel
Posted - 2007.09.01 00:43:00 - [23]
 

Thanks for your accounts of your battles Vlad. Keep them coming. Its nice to see whats happening in other parts of the universe.

MASTER SMAMMAH
Caldari
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Posted - 2007.09.01 16:04:00 - [24]
 

Great stories. lol. Post more. Very Happy

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2007.09.03 08:09:00 - [25]
 


Audit Log 20070902.0105 - Another two days and prospects for collecting on BLOB seem grim. Their tactics are proving rather effective. Keep a close eye on commchannels, dock up their infrastructure ships, run heavy patrols with overwhelming force. Not liking this at all. I hate smart conservative suspects. Makes audits so much more difficult.

Few times I've managed to catch them alone, they disengage. Most notable being this Malik Kalak chump. Always around, always on patrols. Seems to be itching for revenge. Caught him outside station a few times for a little mano y mano. But apparently doesn't believe he can take a Domi solo with his Phoon. With self-esteem like that, he's probably right. Instead he docks, or calls in Commandship support. Had a few close calls with that. Had to scurry into station with a broken tank and hull damage a few times. And barely managed to get the AC Domi out of a gatetrap thanks to ECM drones. Be prepared, tax agent motto.

Still have managed some small success in the audit. Did a surprise run into Oimmo. Light patrols. Ishtar, Drake, Crapacal, possible cloaker of some sort. Ishtar could be a concern, might be nano'd. Still gotta risk it. Audits don't complete themselves. Quick flurry of scans finds a Badger. Narrow it down, warp in. Picking up a can. Probably from a Hulk that docked. Damn. Take what you can get though. Uncloak and make quick work of it. No patrols warp in. Odd. Risk grabbing the evidence. Not bad for a plain vanilla Badger. T2 expanders and a load of illegaly mined Plagio. Confiscate the expanders, pop the rest. Leave nothing, not even the wreck. Not good enough though. Can't collect just by auditing haulers. Need to hit something better. Something alot better.

BLOB outstanding taxes and fines now stand at 79,000,000 ISK.

Racuel
Cutting Edge Incorporated
RAZOR Alliance
Posted - 2007.09.03 08:49:00 - [26]
 

I love your stories...great stuff!

Jkrog
The Initiative.
Posted - 2007.09.03 10:09:00 - [27]
 

You got a badger? Now thats something..oh wait, its not ;-)

Nice stories tho, ill give you that.

Vladimir Norkoff
Income Redistribution Service
Posted - 2007.09.03 15:20:00 - [28]
 

Originally by: Jkrog
You got a badger? Now thats something..oh wait, its not ;-)
I'm sorry, I'll try harder..oh wait, I already did ;-)

Please be sure to tune in for our next thrilling episode of Taxman III, Jkrog. I think you'll like it..oh wait, you won't ;-)

skallszy
Posted - 2007.09.03 17:05:00 - [29]
 

Wll seems like this sharade has ended. Mighty powerfulla nd evilo evil evil Vlad has ended the war against BLOB, thank the gods we are saved!!! Razz

Grants on getting that badger really nice kill. And good job avoiding our guys, nice job flying aound in a cloaker all day in the same system Im ammased how you didnt get caugt by our high numbers og 2-3 guys.

Well GJ on the war you are a sure winner, you control space all the time, and really kept us from doing anything at all. Future targets of this evil evil man watch out he is a mean mean killing machine.Wink
Very HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery Happy

Alekseyev Karrde
Noir.
Noir. Mercenary Group
Posted - 2007.09.03 18:22:00 - [30]
 

It was a pleasure Vlad!


Pages: [1] 2

This thread is older than 90 days and has been locked due to inactivity.


 


The new forums are live

Please adjust your bookmarks to https://forums.eveonline.com

These forums are archived and read-only