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INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE
Posted - 2006.08.19 15:59:00 - [541]
 

Edited by: INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE on 23/08/2006 15:30:51
Celebrity Doubles (Part 2)

My evil attacker continued to destroy my little shuttle, despite my desperate plea of "1 sec" in Local. He was clearly a mean and violent soul, tortured by years of sorrowful conflict. He mercilessly finished me off and I now found myself sitting in my pod.

Luckily, I was able to quickly warp away and to make a safespot between two asteroid belts. Some of his friends then entered the system and I noticed that they were all members of "Dirty Deeds". At that moment I could not think of a more appropriate name.

I suspected that a nefarious plot was brewing against me, so I decided to contact Commander Damion to see if he had been involved in this nasty ambush. He was very apologetic and promised to send an immediate armed escort to valiantly usher me the final 7 jumps. I took a moment to explore some of the more unusual stations listed on the map, whilst I awaited the arrival of my bodyguards:

Link

Some time later, my attackers had moved on and I found myself shielded by an 8-strong armed escort of great military prowess. These were experienced pilots who displayed vast knowledge of tactical maneuvering and I couldn't help but wonder if they were about to discover that I was not the glittering celebrity they thought I was.

Link

As they diligently marched me through the next 7 systems and showered me with adoring questions and compliments, I started to get a taste for the lifestyle of the rich and famous and I suddenly found myself wanting to demand caviar and vol-au-vents. I could feel a celebrity hissy-fit building inside me when I was told that I would have to manually click each gate in order to jump through. I was far too famous to be clicking gates and was extremely annoyed by this horrid necessity of manual work.

A short while later, I was escorted through the main town square in AZN-D2, taking a moment to signify my approval of the shining gold statue of NOOTMARE and I then proceeded to dock at "Trevor's Love Shack" and to take a luxury bubble bath of ylang ylang, jasmin and sea salts.

I inhaled the exotic fumes deeply, as strawberry beeswax candles melted seductively adjacent to my oversized bath and rose petals modestly covered my privates. My thoughts lazily drifted into sweet nothings of melodious joy....

An even greater sense of astonishment overcame me when Damion informed me that ASCN had arranged a military fly-by of capital ships, to mark my arrival in their citadel. I could barely begin to imagine such a wondrous event and was informed that the parade would begin whenever I was ready to undock. I dried myself in a luxury Egyptian camel-hair towel and prepared to take my place as guest of honour at the airshow.

By now I had become so embroiled in the whole lifestyle that there was no way I could ever stop myself from indulging. I munched on some Cote D'Azur grapes that were being hand-fed to me by several busty ASCN slave-girls and I sat back and enjoyed being showered with compliments and gifts while the flashes from the paparazzi lit up the night sky:

Link

Various ships, a set of 5 implants, lots of mods and other miscellaneous items were thrust into my hands as my wallet continually blinked with money being thrown at me by INNUMINATE's adoring fans.

I hoped that my imposterdom would never be revealed, and as the hero-worship escalated I wondered if a high-ranking ASCN official was about to offer to polish my helmet......

I relaxed in my pod, sipping Moet & Chandon and flicking through the pages of vogue, and almost fainted out of awe and wonder as the stunning military fly-by of immense capital ships began......


(to be continued.....)

Zippy Pinno
Damage Unlimited Inc
INTERDICTION
Posted - 2006.08.19 16:18:00 - [542]
 

Boooring
I like it more when you get brutally podded.
More poddings.

Dr Happy
Posted - 2006.08.19 16:43:00 - [543]
 

welll well you right next door I shall haveto pay you a "visit" MUHAHAHAHAHAHa

chillz
Minmatar
Posted - 2006.08.19 16:52:00 - [544]
 

You are so going to end up as the most useful spy ever :)

Eilie
Minmatar
Posted - 2006.08.19 17:01:00 - [545]
 

OMG ASCN is so dead now. INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE is really a BoB spy! Laughing

El'Tar
Caldari
Genos Occidere
Pandemic Legion
Posted - 2006.08.19 17:49:00 - [546]
 

Welcome to ASCN Inno ;)

We have been looking forward to have u visit :P

Keep it up, love ur writing :D

Urghana Frye
Concordokken Cocktail Party
Posted - 2006.08.20 01:57:00 - [547]
 

Thanks for the great read Innominate. I have been following your adventures closely and have enjoyed your writing style and wit. You know how to tell a story well, and how to leave us on the edge of our seats waiting for the next installment. I have even shared them with some non-EVE players because they are so well done. I wish you the very best of luck in your continued travels.

Hats off to the folks in ACSN for their warm reception and generosity to Mr. "NOOTMARE"! (your secret is safe with me!) Wink

Oh yeah...and bump to Page 1 for you! Sticky please CCP...kthxbye!

Toros Revoke
Revoke Foundation
Posted - 2006.08.20 06:45:00 - [548]
 

I needn't bother singing your praises, I have an aweful tenor and it's all been said. Inspiring stuff nevertheless, makes me want to do unspeakable and random violence Razz

Karo Kezo
Posted - 2006.08.20 08:38:00 - [549]
 

great read. Can't wait for tzhe next one, a movie would be something.
I hope CCP withtheir immesurable funding decides to make one.

Industrial Rat
Posted - 2006.08.20 15:00:00 - [550]
 

Awesome stuff!!!
Hopefully I run into you ingame sometime :)

Pardack
Caldari Provisions
Posted - 2006.08.20 15:19:00 - [551]
 

Keep the posts coming, I'm loving it all. The latest edition had me referencing dictionary.com for vol-au-vents, Cote D'Azur and ylang-ylang Shocked. Not possilbe to have too much vocabulary Very Happy

I hope to see more entries in your log of journies and wish you safe travels in your adventures.

343Guiltyspark
Posted - 2006.08.20 15:48:00 - [552]
 

Know what fun? Read this using the Gizoogle site or the Swedish Chef translator.

Damfoose
Caldari
Kinetic Vector
Posted - 2006.08.20 20:22:00 - [553]
 

Whats this doing almost at the bottom of page 2 ? bump time .... sorry mods / devs but it really needs a stickie..

INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE
Posted - 2006.08.21 02:02:00 - [554]
 

Edited by: INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE on 23/08/2006 15:27:05
Celebrity Doubles (Part 3)

Witnessing capital ships for the very first time was a spectacular sight.

A device called a "Cynosaural Field" was activated and the monstrously large beasts mysteriously jumped into the system via a technologically obscure quantum process that, had I not have seen it, would have somewhat resembled the lights from a christmas tree being chewed up by a malfunctioning quantum vacuum cleaner.

Now some would take such a statement to mean that not seeing this wondrous sight would have sucked bad, or that it would have sucked only if you had thought about not looking at it, or that when you did finally attempt a half-glance it mysteriously simulatenously sucked and didn't suck, and that the measure of its suckiness was entirely in the eye of the beholder due to the fact that all of this only applied if you knew its momentum, which you couldn't possibly know because you could see where it was and must therefore have known its exact position, and if you decided to cleverly conclude that you knew its momentum via the mechanism of not knowing its exact position then you obviously weren't looking at it at all, which would have really really sucked because the ships were big and shiny and made me go "oooooh".....

Link

A few ships further into the parade and another voluminous vessel of quixotic stock veritably induced me to utter the syllable "Aaaaaah", whilst the confetti and ticker tape streamed across my face in the same manner that the star of a shampoo commercial witnesses her hair defy the laws of gravity by doing the exact same.

Link

The remainder of the parade was very enjoyable and I floated there in my pod, living the high life for the first time since my adventure had begun.

Later on, when things had quietened down a little, I managed to sneak off to valiantly commit suicide:

Link

I had decided that since my hosts still believed I was famous, I may as well try to make a quick buck from the situation by podding myself and selling off my frozen corpse at the love shack where I was based:

Link

All I needed to do now was to sit back and await a mystery buyer. I wondered just how long I would have to wait.

I was sure that someone could only purchase such a piece of merchandise if they were utterly stinking rich and wanted to make a statement of their vast wealth and power by chucking away two hundred and fifty million isk on a frivolous impulse purchase.


Surely no such person existed....


I began to wonder if the whole celebrity thing had changed me. In my adventure thus far, I had never asked a single person for a single thing and I now suddenly found myself auctioning off my dead body for a quarter of a billion, in order to feed my celebrity mindflood addiction.

I threw away my truffles in disgust and attempted to regain my humble former-self. At that moment I felt like an injured dove, alternately ascending and plummeting and desperately trying to struggle to regain a sense of normality as I attempted to fly without wings.

I knew I was just a n00b in a shuttle and I decided that I had better readjust to reality before NOOTMARE returned from the launch of his latest line of menswear and firmly put me in my place.

A few hours later I found myself sitting around the camp fire in local, being instructed in the vast and rich history of the area by some very nice and friendly people.

I was particularly shocked to learn that these allegedly innocent victims of atrocities had been betrayed in a truly shocking manner by none other than the cult of Emilio.......


(to be continued.......)

Krav
Order of the Redeeming Light
Posted - 2006.08.21 03:12:00 - [555]
 

Originally by: INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE

this only applied if you knew its momentum, which you couldn't possibly know because you could see where it was and must therefore have known its exact position, and if you decided to cleverly conclude that you knew its momentum via the mechanism of not knowing its exact position then you obviously weren't looking at it at all


<3 technobabble 4tw!

A parade of capital ships... What a great idea! ASCN sound like they have the kind of leaders I would want to hang out with! Any chance ASCN's taking very small resident corps Razz lol

And to Innominate, congrats. Forming an ally in 0.0, especially towards an alliance, is the toughest step into "official" 0.0 living. Now you can start to mine that crokite you've been dreaming about ugh without having to run/be shot at from everyone in local... Lucky lucky man.

Krav

P.S. Hmm I never heard the story of how the Cult of Emilio and ASCN came to hostilities. Got me curious now! Very Happy

Kalexis DEV
Posted - 2006.08.21 05:13:00 - [556]
 

heh, azn.


I shot that station once.

Valek Noor
Amarr
Eternal Phoenix Rises
Dark Phoenix Rising.
Posted - 2006.08.21 07:23:00 - [557]
 

back to page one for the best thread in this forumVery Happy

cant wait for the next instalment......

Amplify
Gallente
Aliastra
Posted - 2006.08.21 10:22:00 - [558]
 

Dang, i had hoped the pictures of the capital ship parade would have been full sized.


Anyway, still a great thread i keep checking back twice a day for the next installment =)

Smagd
Encina Technologies
Namtz' aar K'in
Posted - 2006.08.21 10:30:00 - [559]
 

Originally by: INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE

[...] I then proceeded to dock at "Trevor's Love Shack" and to take a luxury bubble bath of ylang ylang, jasmin and sea salts.

I inhaled the exotic fumes deeply, as strawberry beeswax candles melted seductively adjacent to my oversized bath and rose petals modestly covered my privates. My thoughts lazily drifted into sweet nothings of melodious joy....

[...]

By now I had become so embroiled in the whole lifestyle that there was no way I could ever stop myself from indulging. I munched on some Cote D'Azur grapes that were being hand-fed to me by several busty ASCN slave-girls

[...]




Yes, yes, but how's the drinks? And don't tell me you couldn't get them to open the special barrel.

I had the pleasure to be on Unity Station for a sunday night out, and let me tell you, some of those Brutor clubs are outright rowdy, hahaha.

Had to clone jump back home to get the alcohol from the blood stream, wouldn't have been able to fly a proper orbit around a planet never mind trying to jump through a gate.

Ericka
Gallente
Quam Singulari Industry
Posted - 2006.08.21 12:35:00 - [560]
 

Originally by: INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE

A device called a "Cynosaural Field" was activated and the monstrously large beasts mysteriously jumped into the system via a technologically obscure quantum process that, had I not have seen it, would have somewhat resembled the lights from a christmas tree being chewed up by a malfunctioning quantum vacuum cleaner.

Now some would take such a statement to mean that not seeing this wondrous sight would have sucked bad, or that it would have sucked only if you had thought about not looking at it, or that when you did finally attempt a half-glance it mysteriously simulatenously sucked and didn't suck, and that the measure of its suckiness was entirely in the eye of the beholder due to the fact that all of this only applied if you knew its momentum, which you couldn't possibly know because you could see where it was and must therefore have known its exact position, and if you decided to cleverly conclude that you knew its momentum via the mechanism of not knowing its exact position then you obviously weren't looking at it at all, which would have really really sucked because the ships were big and shiny and made me go "oooooh".....




LMFAO! Brilliant.

Nova Z
Drunk GanG
Reckless Chavs
Posted - 2006.08.21 12:56:00 - [561]
 

Lovin' every installment - can't wait to read the next one!

Soy Grande
Ninja Ratz
Posted - 2006.08.21 17:05:00 - [562]
 

No second page for this :) Bump

Zzink
Gallente
Hounds of Kerberos
space weaponry and trade
Posted - 2006.08.21 22:06:00 - [563]
 

Bump.

keep it up dude :)Laughing

Angry Alt
Imperial Academy
Posted - 2006.08.22 00:35:00 - [564]
 

Always a pleasure to read, keep it coming :)

Crysa
Posted - 2006.08.22 02:29:00 - [565]
 

4 day old EVE n00b here to say:

Outstanding.

Morvic Garr
Posted - 2006.08.22 06:34:00 - [566]
 

Incredible read Innominate. Just read all of it and must say, you have some impressive writing skills. It almost reminds me of the writing style of Douglas Adams. Looking forward to your updates.

darklegionca
Caldari
Dark Deliverance Holdings
Posted - 2006.08.22 08:16:00 - [567]
 

how the bloody hell is this on page 2 mods please for the love of god sticky this awesome story

implanted
Caldari
THEM.
Posted - 2006.08.22 19:55:00 - [568]
 

very well put together and absolutely hilarious,was laughing out loud on my own in my flat.
Good luck mate.....cya in space LaughingLaughingLaughing
Cool

Pakalolo
Tha Shiznit
Posted - 2006.08.22 21:36:00 - [569]
 

/me points out the number of reads for this single thread (about 116k) is greater than the combined number of reads for all the other threads currently on page 1 of the general forum (about 110k, good thing tier3 bs thread is on page 2 haha). Does the glue not adhere?

very entertaining read, thanks to the nightmare of no name.

E'Veel P'Tiga
Minmatar
G.H.O.S.T
Posted - 2006.08.22 22:15:00 - [570]
 

Innominate, this is without a dought the funniest, smartest and most dramatic story currently in EVE. Hats off to you mate. Thanks for letting us see EVE in a hole new light.


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