Thanks a lot for the comments! Really, really helpful constructive criticism! I will adress each part in turn.
Originally by: Ly'sol
now now dont play "im not a native."
You gone native. =P
Thanks, but I know there are some things that just doesn't come across as smoothly as they should sometimes.
I like the enviroment
I like the use of active voice
Its short and sweet and more importantly direct to the point enough to allow the reader to paint a unqiue picture in thier minds.
I dont like the sweeper drones to sell on the open market...thats fluff...i do it alot too even after re-reading draft. They dropped the luggage....thats it. Only add the drones if they are evil drones that snipe a kid in the head with a carbine for littering. hehe
Point taken. I was a bit ambivalent about the drones myself. I intended them to further reinforce the impersonal and ruthless attitude of the docking hall, but I suppose the man with the button is enough to convey that. I flatly removed them, for I agree with you, it's better that way.
The small family made their
Definition of a small family is vague.
Two adults and their three children
three kids? thats a good size in some circles. Plus this could be used to discribe what exactly a "small" family is in relation to the first example. Thus saving you the trouble of another evil sentence and save your beloved reader from reading more evil little words.
Whereas the use of "small" in conjunction with a five-person family in itself may say something about the society in which they live, I suppose this subtlety does not come across to the reader. Re-writing the sentence, the "small" reference is indeed superfluous and can be removed. I changed a few other things in that sentence while I was at it too.
sweeping up their two youngest children in thier
this is mainly word useage in my eyes.
1.) we already established the number of childeren which is three...so if the mother and father sweep the youngest childeren up....it is very easy to assume that there is one for each parent.
I'm trying removing the "two children" reference, but I'm not sure it works, since "sweeping up the children" somehow sounds like they have a much wider selection of children to carry than they do, as if they just grab a bunch of kids off the floor...
I would re-write that sentence as...
"...mother and father dropping their
heaviest luggage in panic, swepted (yeah its a past tense word as i feel that 'sweeping' didnt portray it right because the action is they are already running, not that they are in progress of "sweeping" the kiddos) up the youngest children into their arms in order to move faster..."
Yes, I tried this ("the children"), and I think that it might be a bit too vague (see above). I'll have to think a bit about it though. I don't agree on using swept (is "swepted" a word?) rather than "sweeping" however. To me, it makes the sentence "limp" a bit, makes it less quick. Besides, to me the family are indeed running, dropping things, sweeping up their kids, all at the same time, in complete disarray. Using past tense makes the sentence more orderly, for lack of a better description. I'm sure it's only a matter of taste, but I won't change that one.
im just an amateur. =D I really like it Amial....i want to know what happens.
Oh, you make excellent points!
Thanks so very much, it's rare to get good constructive criticism to a text. I feel it has become better from your comments and reinforces some points I'll think about in the future. Thanks again. It's a rather bitter-sweet story I have in mind here, I'll try to continue it when time permits.