open All Channels
seplocked EVE Fiction
blankseplocked The man with the button
 
This thread is older than 90 days and has been locked due to inactivity.


 
Author Topic

Amial Starkiel
Minmatar
Posted - 2006.05.24 22:46:00 - [1]
 

Edited by: Amial Starkiel on 25/05/2006 13:17:49


Scene 1: The Man with the button
----------------------------

The man at the end of the hall reached for the button. A
hundred pair of eyes once again turned his way. A joint sigh rose in
the hall as he paused and pulled away his hand, making a note on a
pad instead. He had done that several times during the last hour, and
every time the reaction from the hall was the same.

There was a joint intake of breath as the man once again lifted his
hand to the button. He re-read something on his pad and
then finally he pressed it. His shrill voice pulsated though the hall.

"Four-sixty-six! Four-sixty-six! Who has four-sixty-six?"

The hall disrupted in a chatter of mumbled voices as a family
scrambled to their feet. Two adults and their three children gathered
their luggage in a frenzied hurry. "Over here!" they
yelled. "Over here!" They pushed their way down the crowded hall
towards the man, their luggage bumping into everything and everyone
on the way.

The man with the button looked up from his pad. "Your ticket."
he demanded. The father of the family held up a plasto-strip. The
strip was wrinkled and moist from it being held tight in his sweaty palm for
several days. "Four-sixty-six" he said, proudly. "That's
us.
"

The button-man took the strip and fed it into his pad. "Your
fee is in order. I'm obliged to inform you that there are no refunds,
and no insurance policy.
" He held out the pad without meeting their
eyes. "From here on, your arrangement is strictly between you and
the ship's captain. My company has no legal obligations to you
whatsoever beyond this point. Confirm these conditions by pressing
here. Hurry up, there are many more waiting for their turn.
"

The father of the family put his thumb to the pad. His hand was
shaking notably.

The man with the button nodded. "Very well. Your ship is docked in
hanger 204."
He transferred an access key to the plasto-strip
and handed it back. "Estimated launch in fifteen minutes. You need
to be stowed in ten.
"

"W-what?"

"Ten minutes. The ship is on a tight schedule. It will not
wait.
"

The father's voice got a tinge of desperation. "Fifteen minutes to
hanger 204 -- it's too far! We have small children! You can't ...
"

The man looked on his pad and reached for the button again. Behind
them the hall fell silent. "I can." the man said calmly.
"The company has no obligations to you beyond this point. Now move
along before I call the guards.
"

There was a moment of shocked silence. And then the family was
sprinting down the exit corridor -- mother and father dropping their
heaviest luggage in panic, sweeping up the youngest children in
their arms in order to move faster.

In the hall behind them, the man pressed the button.

Amial Starkiel
Minmatar
Posted - 2006.05.24 22:56:00 - [2]
 

My first try at fanfiction! This is intended as the first scene from a longer story. Comments and especially criticism would be appreciated, also since I'm not a native english speaker.
Very Happy
.
Amial

Ly'sol
Caldari
Posted - 2006.05.25 07:24:00 - [3]
 

Edited by: Ly''sol on 25/05/2006 07:32:09
Edited by: Ly''sol on 25/05/2006 07:28:16
now now dont play "im not a native."

You gone native. =P

I like the enviroment
I like the use of active voice
Its short and sweet and more importantly direct to the point enough to allow the reader to paint a unqiue picture in thier minds.

I dont like the sweeper drones to sell on the open market...thats fluff...i do it alot too even after re-reading draft. They dropped the luggage....thats it. Only add the drones if they are evil drones that snipe a kid in the head with a carbine for littering. hehe

Consistancy,
Quote:
The small family made their

Definition of a small family is vague.

Quote:
Two adults and their three children

three kids? thats a good size in some circles. Plus this could be used to discribe what exactly a "small" family is in relation to the first example. Thus saving you the trouble of another evil sentence and save your beloved reader from reading more evil little words.

Quote:
sweeping up their two youngest children in thier


this is mainly word useage in my eyes.
1.) we already established the number of childeren which is three...so if the mother and father sweep the youngest childeren up....it is very easy to assume that there is one for each parent.

2.) word usage of "thier", i have a big problem of repeating the same words. So i try to keep everything original in each sentence...preferably in each paragraphs. more so when the word you are using is directing attention of the reader or a filler for an action/person.

I would re-write that sentence as...

"...mother and father dropping their
heaviest luggage in panic, swepted (yeah its a past tense word as i feel that 'sweeping' didnt portray it right because the action is they are already running, not that they are in progress of "sweeping" the kiddos) up the youngest children into their arms in order to move faster..."

im just an amateur. =D I really like it Amial....i want to know what happens.Wink

Amial Starkiel
Minmatar
Posted - 2006.05.25 10:07:00 - [4]
 

Thanks a lot for the comments! Really, really helpful constructive criticism! I will adress each part in turn. Smile

Originally by: Ly'sol

now now dont play "im not a native."

You gone native. =P


Thanks, but I know there are some things that just doesn't come across as smoothly as they should sometimes.

Quote:

I like the enviroment
I like the use of active voice
Its short and sweet and more importantly direct to the point enough to allow the reader to paint a unqiue picture in thier minds.

I dont like the sweeper drones to sell on the open market...thats fluff...i do it alot too even after re-reading draft. They dropped the luggage....thats it. Only add the drones if they are evil drones that snipe a kid in the head with a carbine for littering. hehe


Point taken. I was a bit ambivalent about the drones myself. I intended them to further reinforce the impersonal and ruthless attitude of the docking hall, but I suppose the man with the button is enough to convey that. I flatly removed them, for I agree with you, it's better that way.

Quote:

Consistancy,
Quote:
The small family made their

Definition of a small family is vague.

Quote:
Two adults and their three children

three kids? thats a good size in some circles. Plus this could be used to discribe what exactly a "small" family is in relation to the first example. Thus saving you the trouble of another evil sentence and save your beloved reader from reading more evil little words.



Whereas the use of "small" in conjunction with a five-person family in itself may say something about the society in which they live, I suppose this subtlety does not come across to the reader. Re-writing the sentence, the "small" reference is indeed superfluous and can be removed. I changed a few other things in that sentence while I was at it too.

Quote:

Quote:
sweeping up their two youngest children in thier


this is mainly word useage in my eyes.
1.) we already established the number of childeren which is three...so if the mother and father sweep the youngest childeren up....it is very easy to assume that there is one for each parent.


I'm trying removing the "two children" reference, but I'm not sure it works, since "sweeping up the children" somehow sounds like they have a much wider selection of children to carry than they do, as if they just grab a bunch of kids off the floor...

Quote:

I would re-write that sentence as...

"...mother and father dropping their
heaviest luggage in panic, swepted (yeah its a past tense word as i feel that 'sweeping' didnt portray it right because the action is they are already running, not that they are in progress of "sweeping" the kiddos) up the youngest children into their arms in order to move faster..."

Yes, I tried this ("the children"), and I think that it might be a bit too vague (see above). I'll have to think a bit about it though. I don't agree on using swept (is "swepted" a word?) rather than "sweeping" however. To me, it makes the sentence "limp" a bit, makes it less quick. Besides, to me the family are indeed running, dropping things, sweeping up their kids, all at the same time, in complete disarray. Using past tense makes the sentence more orderly, for lack of a better description. I'm sure it's only a matter of taste, but I won't change that one.

Quote:
im just an amateur. =D I really like it Amial....i want to know what happens.Wink


Oh, you make excellent points! Very Happy Thanks so very much, it's rare to get good constructive criticism to a text. I feel it has become better from your comments and reinforces some points I'll think about in the future. Thanks again. It's a rather bitter-sweet story I have in mind here, I'll try to continue it when time permits.

/Amial

Horatio Cain
Caldari
Re-Awakened Technologies Inc
Electus Matari
Posted - 2006.05.25 13:50:00 - [5]
 

Good story! I look forward to reading more! Smile

Rana Ash
Minmatar
Gradient
Electus Matari
Posted - 2006.05.25 18:53:00 - [6]
 

Indeed intresting, makes me wonder where they are going. Are they moving to a better place?, or running from someone? Smile.


Ly'sol
Caldari
Posted - 2006.05.25 19:41:00 - [7]
 

good glad to see a writer stand up for themselves.

im looking forward to more.


 

This thread is older than 90 days and has been locked due to inactivity.


 


The new forums are live

Please adjust your bookmarks to https://forums.eveonline.com

These forums are archived and read-only