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Muck Raker
Gallente
Gutter Press
Posted - 2011.07.08 19:54:00 - [1]
 

Sensational news reaches Gutter Press from a Federation university cybernetics research department! A bold new theory as to the nature of the Amarr God!

A cybernetics researcher told a Gutter Press representative that the God is likely to be an ancient supercomputer, with nanite manufacturing capability, placed in Amarr by parties unknown, for unknowable reasons!

"It is quite obvious, if you think about it, if you know anything about nanotechnology, you know." he said. "I believe the God to be a device somewhere in Amarr, that uses nanotechnologies to influence and direct the Amarrians. Such nanite projection technology is not unknown, look at Kuvakei's starsystem wide projections recently. Of course, without being able to examine the machine, we couldn't possibly comment on who built it, when and why. Nevertheless it is an avenue worth pursuing."

Gutter Press asked a different scientist what they thought about this. "Yes, nanites are apparently thrown all over a system by Nation launchers. No I don't know how that works."

Incredible!

The cybernetics researcher went on to explain that the miracles and prophetic visions experienced by numerous Amarrian saints over the centuries, could be explained by the God-machine nanites. "Transmuting one thing into another, or striking down an unbeliever, or suddenly speaking in a different language, all those could be done with a targeted nanite swarm taking direct control over an individual. To those who do not have the knowledge of nanites, this would appear to be divine intervention."

Amazing!

The researcher continued to explain the workings of the machine, stating that: "Of course, as the scale increases, it would become harder and harder for the god machine to influence events, which would explain such things as the defeat of the Amarr Navy by the Jovians. Not enough nanites to change the outcome there."

We asked if the God would pose a major threat to the Federation and were told that if the God machine could be found and reprogrammed, then the Amarr Empire could possibly be turned into a democratic state, even a member of the Federation, ending the blight of slavery!

"Reprogram the God machine, and you could issue a statement that slavery was to end. Who could argue with God? Especially if there's 'miracles' to prove things. It would be a triumph for Federal cybernetics science."

Astounding!

We asked an Amarr pilot we know to comment on this, and were met with stony silence! Shock or Denial, who can say? Not the Amarrians anyway!


Aria Jenneth
Caldari
Kumiho's Smile
Posted - 2011.07.08 20:15:00 - [2]
 

... I just choked on my soup.

Very nice.

CptConorado
Amarr
Vengeance Imperium
The Remnant Legion
Posted - 2011.07.08 20:41:00 - [3]
 

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?

Anabella Rella
Minmatar
Gradient
Electus Matari
Posted - 2011.07.08 23:18:00 - [4]
 

Hey, why not? It makes as much sense as anything else to explain why things happen as they do in the empire. Now their phrase deus ex machina makes sense.


Nur AlHuda
Amarr
Callide Vulpis
Posted - 2011.07.08 23:49:00 - [5]
 

Hmm anyone who participated in production of this blasphemy should be put for prolonged visit in the sin eater. Sadly amarrian law doesnt apply in federation space. At least not yet.

Tali Ambraelle
Posted - 2011.07.09 00:45:00 - [6]
 

Originally by: Nur AlHuda
Hmm anyone who participated in production of this blasphemy should be put for prolonged visit in the sin eater. Sadly amarrian law doesnt apply in federation space. At least not yet.


I burned a Pax Amarria while reading your comment and used the ashes to line my Fedo cage. How does that make you feel, God Lover?

Andreus Ixiris
Gallente
Mixed Metaphor
Posted - 2011.07.09 01:08:00 - [7]
 

Edited by: Andreus Ixiris on 09/07/2011 01:08:23
While I'm certain this is still by a significant margin a more logical explanation than anything the Amarrians have ever or will ever produce for their God, I feel compelled to point out that

NANITES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.


Aldrith Shutaq
Amarr
Knighthood of the Merciful Crown
Posted - 2011.07.09 01:11:00 - [8]
 

Nope.

Diana Kim
Caldari
Wolfsbrigade
Posted - 2011.07.09 03:41:00 - [9]
 

Originally by: Muck Raker
We asked if the God would pose a major threat to the Federation and were told that if the God machine could be found and reprogrammed, then the Amarr Empire could possibly be turned into a democratic state, even a member of the Federation, ending the blight of slavery!


Damn Gallentes!

Who said that democratic state is any better than Empire?
Who said that amarrians need your democratic state?
Who gave you right to intervene into other cultures?
Do you know that amarrian culture is much older and more complicated than yours?
Why you always try to impose your rotten way of life to others?
Aren't you satisfied yet with numerous worlds your Federation consumed?

Damn Gallentes, I really hate you.
Down with blight of Federation!

Incineratingly yours,
D.Kim, Wing Commander

Akrasjel Lanate
Gallente
Naquatech Conglomerate
Yulai Federation
Posted - 2011.07.09 06:00:00 - [10]
 

I wonder what will Theology Council or other body of the Amarr Empire do to you for publishing such heresy.

Muck Raker
Gallente
Gutter Press
Posted - 2011.07.09 06:05:00 - [11]
 

Originally by: Andreus Ixiris
NANITES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.


Oh really ?

Tiberious Thessalonia
Amarr
Lai Dai Infinity Systems
Posted - 2011.07.09 06:28:00 - [12]
 

Originally by: Tali Ambraelle
Originally by: Nur AlHuda
Hmm anyone who participated in production of this blasphemy should be put for prolonged visit in the sin eater. Sadly amarrian law doesnt apply in federation space. At least not yet.


I burned a Pax Amarria while reading your comment and used the ashes to line my Fedo cage. How does that make you feel, God Lover?


Being as how the Pax Amarria isn't a religious text by any stretch of the imagination, I rather think you just wrote a rather poor book review.

Nice try, though.

Rodj Blake
Amarr
PIE Inc.
Posted - 2011.07.09 08:32:00 - [13]
 

Sounds like heresy to me.

Rodj Blake
Amarr
PIE Inc.
Posted - 2011.07.09 08:37:00 - [14]
 

Originally by: Tali Ambraelle

I burned a Pax Amarria while reading your comment and used the ashes to line my Fedo cage. How does that make you feel, God Lover?


You burned a secular text outlining how races can peacefully co-exist with one another? A book authored by a winner of the Federation's most revered peace prize?

Perhaps you should have read it before burning it?


Diana Kim
Caldari
Wolfsbrigade
Posted - 2011.07.09 09:54:00 - [15]
 

Originally by: Rodj Blake
Originally by: Tali Ambraelle

I burned a Pax Amarria while reading your comment and used the ashes to line my Fedo cage. How does that make you feel, God Lover?


You burned a secular text outlining how races can peacefully co-exist with one another? A book authored by a winner of the Federation's most revered peace prize?

Perhaps you should have read it before burning it?



Unfortunately, for most Gallenteans peace means establishing democratic government everywhere, domination of Gallente culture over all others and submission of other democracies to the main Federation government. This type of peace contradicts with co-existence of different cultures.

Originally by: Akrasjel Lanate
I wonder what will Theology Council or other body of the Amarr Empire do to you for publishing such heresy.

If it would be possible, I could catch her and sell to Theology Council only for holoreel with recording of her punishment.
Too bad you can't leave your quarters yet.

*high kicks the door*

Aw, c'mon, lemme in, I promise to wear gas mask!
Now, where is my gas mask?..

Thgil Goldcore
Amarr
Robonia
Posted - 2011.07.09 10:19:00 - [16]
 

I personally don't worry about what punishment Muck raker will receive in this life. When her last clone is extingused from new eden God will sort her out.

luckly this tabloid **** is too far fetched for most gallente to take serious.

Lyn Farel
Knighthood of the Merciful Crown
Posted - 2011.07.09 12:08:00 - [17]
 

I found that most amusing.

No ?

ValentinaDLM
Minmatar
Ubi Concordia Ibi Victoria
Posted - 2011.07.09 12:26:00 - [18]
 

Assuming that said machine exists, reprogramming it to end slavery seems to be thinking in terms too small, a much better idea would be to reprogram it to tell people the Amarr that they need to embrace the Unity that is Nation.

Of course, despite my appreciation for gutter presses first rate journalism, I don't think that this scientist has any reasonable proof for their theory.

Raze Valadeus
Amarr
Knighthood of the Merciful Crown
Posted - 2011.07.09 13:53:00 - [19]
 

Is there an award in the Federation for Most Amusing Public Article?

I haven't had this good of a laugh in years.

Sahaquiel Faust
Gallente
Mixed Metaphor
Posted - 2011.07.09 14:29:00 - [20]
 

Normally I don't have a problem with notions considered heretical by the Amarr Empire.
this is just stupid though.

Llyandrian
Amarr
Livestock Science Exchange
Posted - 2011.07.09 14:30:00 - [21]
 

Edited by: Llyandrian on 09/07/2011 14:31:40

The one true God works in ways mysterious to mortal souls.

Sometimes he grants immense miracles like the return of our Empress but often works through miracles that may go unobserved, such as mutating a single gene of single cell organism on some remote planet.

It is not our place to question these miracles.

It is not our place to question his sufferance of heretics.

Nick Bete
Gallente
The Scope
Posted - 2011.07.09 16:20:00 - [22]
 

Wow, you stiff-necked Amarrians and sociopath Achura have no sense of humor.(Captain Jenneth and Lord Valadeus excluded of course)




Vincent Pryce
Gallente
Damnation Angels
Naraka.
Posted - 2011.07.09 16:59:00 - [23]
 

Originally by: Anabella Rella
deus ex




Weird, as you said this I installed an ancient entertainment software to my neocom... Can't really explain the impulse to do so. No matter, it's quite good.

Andreus Ixiris
Gallente
Mixed Metaphor
Posted - 2011.07.09 17:02:00 - [24]
 

Edited by: Andreus Ixiris on 09/07/2011 17:02:19
Originally by: Anabella Rella
deus ex


For some inexplicable reason I feel like about a week of my life is going to suddenly disappear.

Myxx
Atropos Group
Posted - 2011.07.09 17:06:00 - [25]
 

This is literally one of the single most hilarious posts muck raker has ever made.

Diana Kim
Caldari
Wolfsbrigade
Posted - 2011.07.09 17:35:00 - [26]
 

Originally by: ValentinaDLM
Assuming that said machine exists, reprogramming it to end slavery seems to be thinking in terms too small, a much better idea would be to reprogram it to tell people the Amarr that they need to embrace the Unity that is Nation.

Of course, despite my appreciation for gutter presses first rate journalism, I don't think that this scientist has any reasonable proof for their theory.


First it was Gallente.
Now Sansha.
Ok, who wants to use nonexistent machine to alter peoples minds next?

You, guys, both gallente and sansha, why can't you admit that people are different? That people don't need your models of society?You maybe seem different, but still you are the same. You both want to change peoples to make them like you. But while we are here, you won't succeed.

We will protect the State and our way of life from both of you.

With fire and steel.

Jesmine Kyriel
Amarr
House Kyriel Inc.
Posted - 2011.07.09 19:40:00 - [27]
 

Originally by: Diana Kim
Originally by: ValentinaDLM
Assuming that said machine exists, reprogramming it to end slavery seems to be thinking in terms too small, a much better idea would be to reprogram it to tell people the Amarr that they need to embrace the Unity that is Nation.

Of course, despite my appreciation for gutter presses first rate journalism, I don't think that this scientist has any reasonable proof for their theory.


First it was Gallente.
Now Sansha.
Ok, who wants to use nonexistent machine to alter peoples minds next?

You, guys, both gallente and sansha, why can't you admit that people are different? That people don't need your models of society?You maybe seem different, but still you are the same. You both want to change peoples to make them like you. But while we are here, you won't succeed.

We will protect the State and our way of life from both of you.

With fire and steel.



Your are not doing yourself any favors, pilot. None at all, in fact.

As for Muck Raker, I'd ask you to stop blaspheming if you wish to be taken seriously, but then again... we are talking about Gutter-press here. I don't think you have EVER been serious or done any degree of actual journalistic work, in yor life.

Aiwha
Caldari
101st Space Marine Force
Nulli Secunda
Posted - 2011.07.10 01:27:00 - [28]
 

Edited by: Aiwha on 10/07/2011 01:27:03
Originally by: Nick Bete
Wow, you stiff-necked Amarrians and sociopath Achura have no sense of humor.(Captain Jenneth and Lord Valadeus excluded of course)






That would imply that Muck Raker was attempting to write satire.

Kerron Dex Ormand
Posted - 2011.07.19 00:26:00 - [29]
 

yeah sounds about right their god is a computer and so are them

kerron was here....

Jason Galente
Gallente
mishima ryu
Posted - 2011.07.19 00:55:00 - [30]
 

Mmm... delicious debate.

My only concern reading this was the expected zealous response. What good will punishing a member of the press do? It certainly won't stagnate the message. People will believe what they will, regardless of threats of retaliation. We are stubborn creatures.

Now, do I believe this at all? Show me the device, and I will believe it. The Amarrean faith is based on believing in a non-material God that can't be seen, well, an ancient computer can be seen, and I don't see any physical proof that such a device exists. Wouldn't such a device give off a rather strong signal of some sorts? It would have to communicate with the nanites.





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