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kyrieee
Bite me inc.
Narwhals Ate My Duck
Posted - 2011.07.08 23:45:00 - [241]
 

Edited by: kyrieee on 08/07/2011 23:45:51
This is an SC2 joke

"A Marine walks into a bar and asks:
Where's the counter?"

One more :P

"Why did the Colossus fall over?
Because it was imbalanced"

Bussa Braun
Posted - 2011.07.08 23:57:00 - [242]
 

Fu*&, you people are comedically impaired.

NightmareX
Nomads
Nulli Secunda
Posted - 2011.07.08 23:59:00 - [243]
 

I'll just say this :-D

Yeah, watch all of it Laughing.

Utremi Fasolasi
Gallente
La Dolce Vita
Posted - 2011.07.09 00:16:00 - [244]
 

Two hydrogen atoms are talking in a bar. A molecule walks by and one of the atoms is startled.

I just lost an electron! he said.
His friend asks, are you sure?
And he says, I'm positive!

Sylva d
Posted - 2011.07.09 00:22:00 - [245]
 

Don't knock on deaths door, ring the bell and run (he hates that)

Give a man a fire, and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

You cant spell slaughter without laughter.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

Tell a man there's 300 million stars in the universe and he'll accept it, tell him the paint on a bench is wet and he'll touch it to make sure

Real men pod tank

Live is Evil spelled backwards


Verrer
Posted - 2011.07.09 00:23:00 - [246]
 

Funny'est joke i ever heared:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Plus 1
Posted - 2011.07.09 00:27:00 - [247]
 

I can't be arsed to read this thread so hopefully this hasn't been posted Very Happy

Three guys and a girl are stranded on a deserted island.

After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they bury her.

After yet another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her back up again.

Scarface Virpio
Posted - 2011.07.09 00:40:00 - [248]
 

Originally by: Torothin
Ok so...there are a lot good ones here and I laughed quite a bit. No clear winner so we are going to change it up. The first person that posts an interesting/ridiculous real life story that will make me laugh in COAD titled: "Hi my name is <intert your name here> will get the prize.


I'm new to eve, so no clue what's COAD is. But here my "Hi my name is Andrew" life story...

I grew in a little french town. Really small; 2 000 peoples, 3h00 from drive from any real city. I was the only computer geek out there and decided as soon as I hit 18 years old to move to a city of 3.5 Millions peoples.

I knew someone who knew someone (…) that lived in the city, so I phone him and ask if I could rent his couch for a while. My mother was completely freak out that I was going to live in the city, so she gave me a hammer (!) to defend my self. She really a sweet wonderful women, but sometimes she scare me a little bit. That was one of those times.

But anyway, I sent some email, got a job and head out to the big city. Little did I knew that my friends apartments was at the corner of the city red-light district, at the core of the poorest area.

My shift was 3.00 PM to at 11.00 PM from Thursday to Monday. One day I was coming back from my job, and at around midnight on Friday I went to do the groceries. On my way there I saw a woman standing on the curb. (I never saw a hooker before in my life…) When I went back from my groceries, she was still standing there.

I was finding it a little bit odd, there where no bus stop near here and clearly she had plenty of time to cross the street by the time I came back. So I politely went to her and ask her if I could help in any way.

She looked at me strangely and ask me back “Depends on you, what do you wish to do?”

Little bit puzzled, I started to explain that I was finding it odd that she was standing on the curb like that, ALONE in the street at NIGHT like that, with NO ONE around… You know, SOMETHING COULD HAPPEND... (Still clueless I was talking to a hooker)

She started to back away a little and ask “Yeah, uh, you know, I do basic job… I know friend if you'r looking for something more different”

At that point, I was completely lost by her answer, so I told here where I lived and say that if she needed any help, to come to my place. I left telling to my self I did at least a good deed to someone maybe in need.

When I explain back to my roommate what just happened, he started change to a whitish color. When her pimp knock out at our door to ask what I needed, I connected to dot, and felt that finally, my mom’s hammer could prove handy.

Thank god I didn’t had to used it, but well… we decided to move out quickly after 3 months.

The DRUDGE
Posted - 2011.07.09 00:47:00 - [249]
 

What do you call an epileptic in a bathtub? A washing machine.

GeoBlue
Posted - 2011.07.09 01:06:00 - [250]
 

The funniest thing I can say huh?


"CCP knows what their doing and they care about us players.


Best I can do sorry to see you go.




Khai D'mentus
Homo Victor
Posted - 2011.07.09 01:33:00 - [251]
 

Funnies thing has to be that people actually believe this is for real.

/k

Terrible Karma
Posted - 2011.07.09 01:53:00 - [252]
 

Edited by: Terrible Karma on 09/07/2011 01:55:15
You want funny:

My girlfriend's most expensive outfits: $15 @ Goodwill.
My avatar's cheapest Eve outfit: $15 @ NEX.
Avoiding a beating even though my avatar's dressed 'better' than my GF: priceless

Plus 1
Posted - 2011.07.09 02:30:00 - [253]
 

Originally by: Khai D'mentus
Funnies thing has to be that people actually believe this is for real.

/k

No, the funniest thing is that you believe that everyone believes that this is for real.

Akama Lowe
Posted - 2011.07.09 02:48:00 - [254]
 

Edited by: Akama Lowe on 09/07/2011 02:58:42
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFA-rOls8YA

Rumple Fourskin
Posted - 2011.07.09 02:56:00 - [255]
 

Edited by: Rumple Fourskin on 09/07/2011 02:56:23
Received 40 billion. Thank you Very Happy

JC Anderson
Caldari
Noir.
Noir. Mercenary Group
Posted - 2011.07.09 03:59:00 - [256]
 

Originally by: Khai D'mentus
Funnies thing has to be that people actually believe this is for real.

/k


Why are you so quick to dismiss it?

A week ago or so, a player contracted me nearly 8 billion in assets simply because I replied "Be well" in his thread that announced he was quitting. I had never even talked to the person before that, and the contract came out of the blue. It wasn't until much later that I put one and one together and checked the original thread again to see that the OP was the same individual who handed me everything.

I'm assuming he chose me because I was the only one not to reply with an insult, or ask for his stuff.

People do all sorts of crazy thing when they quit the game, including funny little contests like this one. ;)

LegendAmI
Posted - 2011.07.09 04:25:00 - [257]
 

Edited by: LegendAmI on 09/07/2011 04:25:07
Watch this:

Linkage

...and then watch this:

Linkage

Very Happy

Msgerbs
Gallente
Imperial Assualt Guild
Posted - 2011.07.09 04:27:00 - [258]
 

The funniest thing I can say? Hmm...

You will be missed!

Necrosmith
Gallente
Chunder Corp
Posted - 2011.07.09 04:50:00 - [259]
 

Broccoli: "I look like a tree."

Walnut: "I look like a brain. "

Mushroom: "I look like an umbrella."


Banana: "Dude?! Change the topic!!!"

Val'Dore
Word Bearers of Chaos
Word of Chaos Undivided
Posted - 2011.07.09 04:55:00 - [260]
 

No, my freighter alt will not help you move your ****.

Bekenel Leco
Posted - 2011.07.09 05:10:00 - [261]
 

Imagine the Duct tape I could buy....

Torothanax
Posted - 2011.07.09 05:34:00 - [262]
 

Edited by: Torothanax on 09/07/2011 05:38:43


What the hell, for even a chance at that much, I can make a fool of myself. It's long-winded but well worth the read.

So a banker decides he wants to be a farmer. He sells all he has and buys a farm in the middle of no where. With no clue as to how to run a farm he heads down the road to his nearest neighbor's place. Upon arrival he offers to pay the man to teach him. The farmer accepts.

He says "Follow me and learn as we go. First off we need to feed the chickens." The farmer points out two and tells the man "Ya see those two right there? The one on the left is a hen, but round here we call em "pullets". The other one is a rooster, but we refer to him as a "c o c k". The farmer grabs the two and tucks one under each arm of the gentleman. "You can take these two with you to get you started."

Next they head over to the barn. The farmer points out a donkey. "Ya see that there fella over yonder? He's what's known as an "ass". Ornery, stubborn critter, but he can really get some work done if you know how to handle him. I ain't had much use for him lately so you can take him up ta yer place and put him to work. We'll talk price later. If he starts actin up, all ya have ta do is scratch him under the chin like this. Calms him right down." The farmer hands him the lead.

The farmer then looks up at the sun and says "I recon you'll have your hands full with that lot there, and I've got chores to attend to. Feel free to come on back after noon. Good day to you". And leaves the man at the gate. With a chicken under each arm and leading a donkey on a rope the man starts walking back to his place.

About half way home, the donkey starts kicking and braying and refuses to go any further no matter how hard the man pulls. The man tries to do as the farmer showed him and scratch the donkey under the chin, but can't reach as he has his arms full. He doesn't dare set the chickens down for fear of being unable to catch them again. So he stands there for a while at a loss for what to do.

As he racks his brain for a solution, someone politely addresses him from behind. "Sir, are you alright?" He turns around to see gorgeous young woman walking toward him. "Is there some way I can help you out?" she asks.

"Oh what a relief!" he exclaims. "Would you be so kind as to hold my c o c k and pullet, while I scratch my ass???"


That's the best I got. Good luck to you where ever you end up.




Edit: Friggin' filter. "C o c k" is a legit term.


Carthusia Malkrin
Caldari
Posted - 2011.07.09 06:03:00 - [263]
 

Hmmm, can we say two things? If so mine are below:

"Little babies, eating guns, shooting bullets, from their bums"

"I'm giving you my 2 weeks notice, because in 2 weeks time you'll notice i'm not here anymore"

fuggymuffin
Posted - 2011.07.09 06:05:00 - [264]
 

What is sad about 5 black guys driving off a cliff? They were my friends.


Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a bus.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a gun
Get in the van

Your friend is so gay he has consensual sex with other men and enjoys it.


A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.


Anti-jokes.



Chevalleis
The Legendary Conquest
Posted - 2011.07.09 06:46:00 - [265]
 


Jal Garai
Eye of God
Intergalactic Exports Group
Posted - 2011.07.09 08:57:00 - [266]
 

An Irish man, an Australian man and a Scouser all in a bar.

Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the scouser looks up and says to the others "damn, thats Jesus!".

So with that they all buy Jesus a drink. The Irish man buys him a guinness, the Australian buys him a fosters and the scouser buys him a bitter.

After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands.

He shakes the Irish man's hand who with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell Jesus, that bad back I've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis I've had for 20 years has just disappeared!".

Jesus goes to shake the Scousers who says, "**** off, I'm on disability".

Kuro5hin420
Posted - 2011.07.09 09:06:00 - [267]
 

Goons now take EVE seriously enough to have their own mittens elected to CSM so he can go to iceland and talk serious business spaceships with CCP for three straight days and then make a ten minute video about it in which he talks about how hard it was.


If that doesn't make you laugh that means you have a life and you don't play this terrible game. Good for you.

Zagdul
Gallente
Clan Shadow Wolf
Fatal Ascension
Posted - 2011.07.09 09:21:00 - [268]
 

Hi, My name is Zagdul.

My Girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pictures of her naked with her new boyfriend in bed.






So I e-mailed them to her new boss at the law office.








2 weeks later she got a promotion.



FML.


Dee Lucious
Amarr
Imperial Academy
Posted - 2011.07.09 09:48:00 - [269]
 

Guy and a girl spend most of their youth as boyfriend and girlfriend. They go through school together, grew up together. They eventually submit their college apps, and get different coasts.

After almost a year apart the girl ends it. Distraught the boyfriend won't stop calling, emailing. This goes on for months. She gets ****ed and after an argument emails him a picture of her sucking her new BF's whatchamacallit.

So he prints it out, writes "Getting desperate for money, please send more." on the back and mails it to her parents.

POONED.

Masamune Dekoro
Posted - 2011.07.09 10:50:00 - [270]
 

In space, no one can hear you queef.


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