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Reicine Ceer
Rodents of Unusual Size
Posted - 2011.04.23 20:15:00 - [1]
 

Edited by: Reicine Ceer on 24/04/2011 08:11:06
"So what you're saying is that i would be better off financially if i took to a life of crime?"
"I did not say that, sir. If your tone continues i will be forced to terminate the contact and inform the State of your potential as a criminal - you will be flagged as a danger and further enquires regarding financial support from the State will be rejected automatically." The Funding/Aid agent on the line sounded calm, controlled and presented the State point of view in the manner of someone who has repeated the same lines a thousand times before. The worst of it was, Vitti knew she was correct in everything she said, but his exasperation at the situation built regardless.
"I know you didn't use those precise words, dammit! But what the hell am i supposed to do? The State has allowed me to fall through the cracks and i have no way of clawing my way out! Tell me - what would you do in this situation, huh?" Vitti was livid. Having worked toward furthering his career in the Caldari navy for over a decade, he was suddenly made redundant and replaced by a younger man with less experience who was willing to work for a fraction of the isk Vitti was paid. The injustice grated on Vitti's deeply-held sense of balance and fairness, and getting back on his feet was proving almost impossible - there simply wasn't a position anywhere that would allow him to excel. There were untold labouring and filthy, degrading positions open to almost anyone with working arms and legs but the concept, when considered, disgusted him mightily.
"Sir, we are not discussing my financial situation. I must reiterate; there is nothing i can do to help you. I do apologise for this," here, the call-handler's tone altered to a breezy, upbeat feel and continued on with "Is there anything else i can assist you with today?"
Written off, thought Vitti. That's how she sounded; like a book had been closed and the subject terminated. No longer 'valid business', Vitti felt he was being asked to change the topic of conversation or get lost.
He slammed the commlink button with his fist, angrily terminating the call without uttering another word to the unhelpful ***** that seemingly took quiet pride in rubbing Vitti's face in his own misery.

Reicine Ceer
Rodents of Unusual Size
Posted - 2011.04.23 20:18:00 - [2]
 

Vitti had begun work for the Caldari Navy Technical Development wing as soon as he was old enough. Always gifted with the ability to conceive innovative designs, CNTD was the natural choice of career. Instrumental in the design and refinement of several top-secret projects for the Caldari Navy, Vitti's proudest moment was the retooling of his favourite ship, the Hookbill. Essentially seen as the unfavoured stepchild of the Navy's frigate range, he had free reign to utterly tear the ship apart and rebuild it to specifications that would see its use and usefulness in combat rise dramatically.
Twelve years into the job, a young and particularly intelligent but somewhat dull intern began training under him, ostensibly as an assistant to allow Vitti to concentrate on bigger picture issues. In actual fact, Vitti trained his replacement for eighteen months to a level that allowed the younger a full level of understanding of Vitti's department, at which point a clerical error in the Human Resources (FINANCES) deparment was 'discovered'. A short period of showtrial-style investigation commenced, culminating in Vitti's termination of employment.
Revenge had been sworn from the outset, but the righteous fury was steadily ground into helpless windblown dust by the granite obelisk of Caldari bureaucracy and red tape.

Reicine Ceer
Rodents of Unusual Size
Posted - 2011.04.23 20:20:00 - [3]
 

Vitti's hand hurt. A lot. The commlink button had a metal ridge that may just have broken a bone when he violently broke the line of communication to State Funding/Aid. His redundancy money was running low, debts were running high and his only legal option appeared to be debasing himself scrubbing decks and inhaling fumes. He felt he was worth more than that, despite the title of 'Redundant' he constantly imagined floating above his head and launched himself into a tirade of threats, warnings and a commitment to dire consequences. The cathartic rant lasted barely a minute, but Vitti felt much, much better. Venting always helped him, whether it was at a willing (or ambushed) participant to the often one-sided conversation, or the stars beyond his office window. Considering this for a long moment, the anger was quelled momentarily before exploding into wild gesticulation and shouting as he was again reminded of his situation - the cheapest of the cheap domiciles available to him did not sport windows, resembling instead a hastily-assembled refugee camp room.
Mentally exhausted by the stress of his last few months aboard the same station that had so soundly rejected him, he sat calmly for a long moment, absently staring at the blank holoscreen opposite his single-person bed.
"I think its time i took matters into my own hands", he said to no one in particular. Examining his room as if for the first time, he collected key items, shoving them into his pockets and grimacing as he walked out the door. He then wedged his door open and simply let the keycard fall from his hand and walked away.

Reicine Ceer
Rodents of Unusual Size
Posted - 2011.04.23 20:23:00 - [4]
 

"UNDOCK PERMISSION NOT GRANTED! RETURN THE SHIP TO THE BERTHING CLAMPS OR PREPARE TO BE FIRED UPON." The warning was audio as well as visual - displayed on massive screens above, below and to the sides of the opening dock doors, on his holoscreen and projected directly at the cockpit of the ship Vitti was stealing. He supposed there were always justifications in the minds of criminals for one reason or another, but he figured that even from an impartial view, he deserved at least one of the ships he had spent so many hundreds of hours working on. Grinning mercilessly as he approached the now-closing massive bay doors, Vitti piloted his purloined battlecruiser toward the stars beyond, to the promise of freedom and a better future. Any future, even death at the hands of CONCORD, would be preferable to the path he saw before him yesterday. Using a semi-legal set of implants he had sold most of his stock options for, he was able to speed through the doors without a problem. Software and hardware measures preventing ship theft had been suppressed, but beyond the limits of the bay doors lay a waiting militia fleet, which had already targetted and begun firing on his ship. The massive shield buffer he had installed on the Drake was taking a pounding but his ingenuity and gift for eking the very most out of a ship paid off; Vitti entered warp, leaving behind a station of backstabbing bastards and the local militia. Missiles crossed paths at the point of where his ship was, as the station suddenly shrank from view. Vitti took a breath - seemingly his first for minutes - relaxed into his chair, hands easily resting on the controls.

Reicine Ceer
Rodents of Unusual Size
Posted - 2011.04.23 20:26:00 - [5]
 

Edited by: Reicine Ceer on 23/04/2011 20:28:44
Whether he was blown to pieces once he dropped out of warp, fought off pirates and militia forces or piloted his ship into the heart of a sun no longer mattered. What counted was that Vitti's life was in his own hands and no amount of underhanded tactics by bureaucratic, soulless individuals could change that.
Cold, star-studded darkness surrounding him and for the first time since a holiday as a child, he was truly alone in the universe. The local star swung by lazily, doppler-effected lighting distracting Vitti from his situation for a while.

From here on in, every door to Vitti would be open to him. One way or another. He loaded his missile racks with an advanced version of the standard munitions available to the masses, checked his shields had recharged sufficiently and relaxed into perusing starmaps for a likely destination.

--------------------------


.....aaaannnd im spent. I would dearly like some constructive criticism. Before you start though, please keep in mind that this is the meat of the story. If you like, i could easily repost with a huge amount more of what i call 'filler' - other people call it 'adjectives' and 'exposition' but it always smacks of 'padding', whichever way you look at it.

I digress.

If you enjoyed it, please tell me WHY; what about it was interesting or held your attention? I am tempted to continue with this, but only if folk think its worthwhile.


tl;dr READ STORY, COMMENT

Reicine Ceer
Rodents of Unusual Size
Posted - 2011.04.24 08:12:00 - [6]
 

Jeezo kiddies, quite a few views and not one single opinion posted? Whether you hated it or not, i'd still really love to hear what you have to say about it!

Dilaro thagriin
Posted - 2011.04.25 16:21:00 - [7]
 

Jumping into a battlecruiser, especially a non-capsule equipped one, and solo piloting it anywhere is nigh on impossible. even a skeleton crew for one of those, with no modules fitted, is upwards of 200 crew members.

a single pilot can barely fly a frigate alone, unless he's an egger of course.

other than that fact, i like it.

so yeah, my criticism, in a phrase is : "set your sights a little lower to start, if he finds crew later on perhaps he organises a 'job' to steal one of the shiny new ships he spent ages working on?"

Reicine Ceer
Rodents of Unusual Size
Posted - 2011.04.26 12:12:00 - [8]
 

Originally by: Dilaro thagriin
Jumping into a battlecruiser, especially a non-capsule equipped one, and solo piloting it anywhere is nigh on impossible. even a skeleton crew for one of those, with no modules fitted, is upwards of 200 crew members.

a single pilot can barely fly a frigate alone, unless he's an egger of course.

other than that fact, i like it.

so yeah, my criticism, in a phrase is : "set your sights a little lower to start, if he finds crew later on perhaps he organises a 'job' to steal one of the shiny new ships he spent ages working on?"


Im literally kicking myself. If someone else had written this, id've picked up on that straight away. Thank you Dilaro for pointing out the blindingly obvious! I feel like an ass now, but i have a direction to go in for further editing! :D

As an aside, does anyone think i should turn this into a much, MUCH longer version that would flesh out the EVE universe and make it more understandable to non-EVE players? (Once i've sorted the BC issue lol)

FeralShadow
NME1
Posted - 2011.04.26 21:37:00 - [9]
 

Hey. It seems to be a regular action for people to read fiction and leave no constructive (or otherwise) comments. My story has been read probably 100+ times and still no comment for me haha. I guess that no news is good news?

Anyways, I enjoyed the story you wrote, it has some very nice character development going on, which i think is a cornerstone to any good story. It seemed a bit rushed at times, but other than that it flowed well.

-Feral

Doctor Carbonatite
Corporation for Public Broadcasting
Posted - 2011.04.27 14:29:00 - [10]
 

Originally by: FeralShadow
Hey. It seems to be a regular action for people to read fiction and leave no constructive (or otherwise) comments. My story has been read probably 100+ times and still no comment for me haha. I guess that no news is good news?

Anyways, I enjoyed the story you wrote, it has some very nice character development going on, which i think is a cornerstone to any good story. It seemed a bit rushed at times, but other than that it flowed well.

-Feral


This is very true, unfortunately, and I've kind of fallen into the habit myself out of resignation.

It is a good story, but as previously stated, a battlecruiser is a bit much for one non-capsuleer. A Hookbill would be suitable, and have a bit of irony in it it as well.

Also, I'd recommend using line breaks. Wall-of-white-text on this forum is painful to read.

ARMOURED FURY
Posted - 2011.05.04 11:14:00 - [11]
 

I agree that it would be hard to fly a BC without a crew but i wouldn't say impossible, int the Empyrean Age book at the end one man gets given a drake to fly? And he only has about 2 other crew members.

blueharmony1
Amarr
Posted - 2011.05.04 11:38:00 - [12]
 

I liked the story but isn't it odd that the militia didn't have warp disrupters. Besides that and the drake thing great story hope u add to it.

Dilaro thagriin
Posted - 2011.05.04 19:15:00 - [13]
 

Originally by: ARMOURED FURY
I agree that it would be hard to fly a BC without a crew but i wouldn't say impossible, int the Empyrean Age book at the end one man gets given a drake to fly? And he only has about 2 other crew members.


At that point in the novel, Jonas (the captain of which you speak) is in fact alone... however, to illustrate the aformentioned point, i'll quote from the book.

Quote:
'Your heart wants to command men, to lead them across the heavens,' she said, amused by the Caldarian's reaction. 'So I will give you a new ship, with a crew, to do with as you please'


while he is indeed given a drake, it is fully crewed, and he is sent to Khanid space to learn the skills he will need to command such a vessel and the hundreds of people on board.


Bumblefck
Kerensky Initiatives
Posted - 2011.05.07 13:45:00 - [14]
 

I liked your story but if you could format it a little better (to be a bit more readable), that would make it all the more engaging Very Happy

Laruen Pleides
Posted - 2011.05.31 21:17:00 - [15]
 

Others bring up some good points, especially formatting.
The only thing that stood out to me was that it felt a bit rushed.
When you get into a writing fever, it's easy to blast through a story and call it done, but sometimes it's good to go back and re-read about an hour later, then tweak it a little. Add more detail here or there, and so on.

I really liked the story though, and would love to see more of it. Your descriptiveness in some spots is really nice, such as his experience while in warp.

And stealing the ship he totally worked over would definitely have a sweeter sense of victory to it. :)


 

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