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Cipher7
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:41:00 - [31]
 

A trucker comes home, his wife says "Honey I missed you, touch me where I pee"

So he sticks his hand in the toilet

C'hrome
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:41:00 - [32]
 

This week i decided to have a week off work, get some rest, play Eve and meet some mates i havn't had time to see since the new year.

I played Eve late on Sunday night knowing that i could have a nice long lie in on Monday morning.

At 8 in the morning i was woken by a terrible din. The local council decided to fix the drains in our street so they parked a generator plus vans right outside my house. I'm standing there ******* naked thinking "FFS i couldn't bloody win"

After a couple of hours one of the workmen puts on what looks like a chemical warfare suit, mask & goggles while his pal starts to open the manhole. The guy in the suit climbs into the manhole and disappears.

Now on Sundays i make a huge dinner for the family so i thought "right you bastard, time for some payback"

So i goto the toilet and deposit a nice big log and flush it away. I then goto the front window and watch.

Within 10 minutes the guy who was in the drain climbs out and starts complaining to his workmate and pointing into the drain. He starts holding his ankle rubbing it.

I'll leave you to guess what his ankle was struck by Very Happy


Rek Seven
Gallente
Zandathorn Industries
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:44:00 - [33]
 

Edited by: Rek Seven on 01/04/2011 11:44:58
Caldari, gallente and a minmatar all work into a bar... Ive got nothing. Sad

Im pretty new to the game and have been working harder that a Jita prostitute to afford new ships. If i had your stuff it would not only be going to a good home, id be able to push someone elses sh!t in for a change. Twisted Evil

Amelia Ryan
Gallente
Aliastra
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:45:00 - [34]
 

Edited by: Amelia Ryan on 01/04/2011 11:47:16
Oh why not, ill bite the April fools.

This one gets me every time: link


Cipher7
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:45:00 - [35]
 


George Bush is in his office when Colin Powell comes in, says "Mr President, today 3 Brazilian soldiers have died in Iraq"

George's face goes white, rests his head in his hands holding his forehead and begins weeping.

After about a minute he looks up and says, "Now...Colin tell me...exactly how many is a bazillion?"

Mibad
Caldari
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:47:00 - [36]
 

You should stay cause now you can have space kittenz while u shoot bad guyz.
EVE KITTENZ!

Space shipz aka boats!


Valari Nala Zena
Caldari
Perkone
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:51:00 - [37]
 

I got a couple of chuckles in this thread.
Anyway ill add something.

Your momma is so fat, your daddy needs a cyno to get her out.

Fakedit: April fools!

Cipher7
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:52:00 - [38]
 

Edited by: Cipher7 on 01/04/2011 11:52:42
Hillary Clinton is looking under the bed for her shoes, and finds a box. Opening it, inside there's $40,000 and 2 beer cans. Suspecting something fishy, she confronts Bill about it.

Bill says, "Well honey, you're my wife so you deserve honesty. I've cheated on you, and when I did I felt so bad, each time I had a beer and cried, then hid the beer in the box under our bed."

Hillary seems shocked for a minute and asks, "...and the money?"

Bill replies, "Well every time the box filled up, I took the cans to get my recycling deposit back..."

Edit : Yep april fools. It's ok I got more jokes.

Hemmo Paskiainen
Gallente
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:56:00 - [39]
 

Originally by: IHaveCandyGetInTheVan69
Edited by: IHaveCandyGetInTheVan69 on 01/04/2011 11:32:39
Because I'm the only boy who understands how to kidnap you in my van


1/4 has maybe been found, omg soo funny

Originally by: Telvani
Originally by: Burnharder
A 3 year old character with 150bn and 103m in SP?

HAHAHA.


Not really sure where you are going with that one, his is SP lies well within the expected for his char age.


skills

Isilldur
Spiorad ag fanaiocht
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:58:00 - [40]
 

best joke ever


......Black Ops Battleships



Second best being PI of course

Commander Lorelai
CONCORD Operations
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:59:00 - [41]
 


PreZiDenT1
Omega Wing
Snatch Victory
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:59:00 - [42]
 


Aus Mote
Gallente
Project Sinkhole Command
Posted - 2011.04.01 11:59:00 - [43]
 


Hoshi Kichi
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:01:00 - [44]
 

picture of a cat doing something

Travarica
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:01:00 - [45]
 


Caladan Rood
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:03:00 - [46]
 

Meh, April fools or not, I'll bite for a good laugh.

What's the difference between Jesus and a Picture?


You only need one nail to hang a picture.

Zalahar
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:04:00 - [47]
 

I see said the blind man, as he peed into the wind.

It's all coming back to me now.

Luxailith
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:04:00 - [48]
 

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "Im lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Please visit your user settings to re-enable images.

Nocturnalist
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:04:00 - [49]
 

I present to you OP this fine video of......


THE TURKISH RAMBO!

Valari Nala Zena
Caldari
Perkone
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:04:00 - [50]
 

Originally by: Burnharder
A 3 year old character with 150bn and 103m in SP?

HAHAHA.


With enough real life money you can get a 103 SP toon and 150 bil in 1 day (plex).

Phlyk
The VonBraun Institute
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:05:00 - [51]
 

Pretty much this: LUL

Katrina Oniseki
Caldari
Revenent Defence Corperation
Ishuk-Raata Enforcement Directive
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:07:00 - [52]
 

April Fool's Joke Alert!!

True Story:

When I was travelling through N-RAEL to highsec with a load of corporate goodies, also underskilled both inside and outside the game... I noticed there were a LOT of people there. Something like 70 in local.

I figured the planets and belts were probably camped, since they'd know that most people warp to them first without safe spots. I also figured the gate would be bubbled against planets and belts too. Sooo I decided to be 'clever'.

I picked a moon at random.

My warp drive groaned and started shutting down as I left warp, only to end up in a large warp disrupt bubble just outside of a POS. Inside the POS was nearly every Russian in local, except 1.

I lost my ship, predictably.

So now, my corp still makes fun of me, saying, "In Soviet N-RAEL, Kat finds YOU!!!"

:P

Joe Forum
Amarr
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:09:00 - [53]
 

Hey OP,

Maybe laughs aside you could auction the characters and combine all the plex you raised for Plex for Good?

I'm sure it would make you feel a lot better than a couple of chuckles raised here :)

gl mate

Riedle
Minmatar
Paradox Collective
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:11:00 - [54]
 

Your Isk I do
need to make
I won't
PVP is yes

Neamus
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:12:00 - [55]
 

This is probably an April fools joke, but I'm in desperate need of isk so I'll bite anyway..

Some eve related jokes seem to be in order, but I'm not very good at making jokes up so I've blatantly plagiarised from other sites. But hopefully they'll get a laugh Laughing

Yo Mama

Yo Mama's so fat it took me 1 second to target her.
Yo Mama's so fat she needs to be cynoed to the store
Yo Mama's so fat when she jumped through the gate she crashed the node
Yo Mama's so fat you can anchor a pos next to her
Yo Mama's so fat, she has to jump twice
Yo Mama's so fat, her gravity pulls ships out of warp
Yo Mama's so fat, she has her own sov
Yo Mama's so fat NC mistook her for a region
Yo Mama's so fat it's not possible to calculate the effects of target painting
Yo Mama's so fat her pod is a titan
Yo Mama's so fat I've petitioned her for exploiting

You know you've played to much eve when you:

- In a bar fight you try to orbit your opponent
- Some friends turn up and you start calling primaries
- You refuse to leave the house because you can't find your pod
- You 'push-to-talk' to someone in the same room (I actually keep doing this when I talk to my gf :()
- You cant get into your own yard because the gate is camped
- When you scream POINT AND WEB IT when your dog runs away
- you look at a rock in your driveway, and wonder how much ISK it will bring you

Misc

Q: Why did the Dev cross the road?

A: I'm sorry but our logs show nothing

A pirate enters a bar in lowsec with a ships wheel attached to his crotch.
The Bartender looks strangely at him, and says; 'Hey matey, what's that ships wheel for?'
The Pirate replies 'Yarr, its drivin' me nuts!'


And one last joke that's not eve related, but I like it anywayVery Happy

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and Im here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back for the second round, the bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no, he says, everyones fine. Ive just quit drinking.

Katsumoto
Caldari
Quam Singulari
Session Changes
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:12:00 - [56]
 

Whatever you send me ill send triple back!

Rek Seven
Gallente
Zandathorn Industries
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:15:00 - [57]
 

Edited by: Rek Seven on 01/04/2011 12:15:44
I've been saving this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92KxMRUpmP4 Laughing

Guilliman R
Gallente
Northstar Cabal
Important Internet Spaceship League
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:17:00 - [58]
 



When you inevitably toss the coins, I don't want head

thatbloke
Gallente
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:18:00 - [59]
 

A selection of German jokes:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says, "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says, "I just got back from a funeral"

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

A man walks into a *****house and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, "No. No, I don't."

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

thatbloke
Gallente
Posted - 2011.04.01 12:22:00 - [60]
 

more German jokes:

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.
The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.

Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.

Otto and Beata give birth to a young child.
This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgivable mistake.

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.

Where did ****** keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damn!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damn' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".


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