Posted - 2010.11.14 00:39:00 - [1
I have found a problem with my Discovery 1 (1998 300 TDI) rear bumper... After spending a pleasant afternoon in my local social club imbibing Gods own brew (J.Smiths Bitter) I retired home, however the effects of J.Smiths brew led me to make rash decision..
after an hour or two at home and a bit of tea I returned to the said social club and foresaked J.Smiths finest for a heathen brew called Reverend James, this terrible brew has unforseen consequences... it only takes a couple to make you forget to go home and therefore force you to buy more
It also gives you the illusion that you may have some sort of control over your limbs and therefore do not need to be carried from the club to your bed, and worse of all it only strikes when in range of a Land Rover.
When I managed to escape its spell and leave the club, it was at a late hour, but I succesfully managed to exit the club via various doors and locks without incident, cross the car park and the high street with no drama
Across the slippery park grass caused me no issues what so ever and neither did the hill down towards my abode
In sight of my front door I was on top of the world thinking I had cracked the journey home, when the Reverend James kicked.. it spotted the disco on my drive approx 4 foot 6 inches in front of me and sent the message to my feet
My foot obeyed said message and failed to lift high enough to miss the 1cm misalignment in the drives paving slabs
this tiny hiccup caused the rest of my limbs to go into meltdown and therefore fail to retain any kind of equilibrium .. even worse the Reverend James factor kicked him and rather than just collapse in a giggling wreck on the floor it conspired with my limbs to propell me forwards
The first part of me to realise this was going to hurt was my right forearm as I hit the rear bumper horizonitaly at full tilt,
then I realised how devilish Reverend James as I didnt obey the laws of gravity but went upwards, followed quickily by gravity pointing out it is one of the laws of the universe.
at which point my ribcage had quite a deep conversation with the Disco's rear bumper.. which also hurt quite a lot
So I decided to lie down for a while.. (with a bit of moaning and groaning) but after a while I thought its a bit nippy and had better get indoors
This is where the really insidious side of Reverend James kicks in, as I rose my head 8 inches, what do I find 7 inches above my head..... the rear bumper of a certain Doris the Disco. (measurements approx... I wasnt in the mood to get a tape measure out at that point)
Cue a bit more moanng and groaning
I finally stagger indoors battered and bruised, and the baby sitters only comment .. " Hope you didnt break me WKD Blue)"
So I cant afford to repair the drive, cant guarentee I wont drink Reverend James again so is there a SOFT rear bumper option for a Disco 1
Hope you enjoyed a laugh..
I would like to say its fiction.. but the huge bruise on my arm, the excruiting pain when I cough and the lump on my head forces me to admit... it happened