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Sneerglaw II
Amarr
UNEXPECTED SURPRIZE'S
Pipe Hitters Union
Posted - 2010.06.11 02:50:00 - [1]
 

Okay so i know this isnt the best place to ask about this but i cant find any information anywhere through my searches, so im asking the great forum warriors here for help.


Quickly, My 12 year old is failing school after i returned home from Iraq, shes never had this problem before I left. After finding out that she has fallen behind my wife and i have helped her with her homework and even put her into an after school tutoring program. None of which has helped.

Now we're being accused of violating our parental rights?!? Crazy as it may be, i believe that it is because i returned home after a year and a half.


What i am looking for is something that shows that this has happened before and is normal. During my redeployment briefings we were told about this, and that this could happen. I would like to find or have help finding more information about this problem and how the VA has acknowledged this problem.

Im a horrible web searcher and an even worse EVE pilot, but any help pointing me in the right direction would be greatly appreciated.

Ulhass
Caldari
Mindstar Technology
Posted - 2010.06.11 03:50:00 - [2]
 

I would call your local Department of veteran affairs, they may be able to help here is thier website

http://www.va.gov/

Destination SkillQueue
Are We There Yet
Posted - 2010.06.11 06:11:00 - [3]
 

Edited by: Destination SkillQueue on 11/06/2010 06:13:09
While this might be obvious, it might be a symptom of a real problem. I mention this because you need to keep your mind open to other possible explanations even though the timing fits with your deplayment schedule. I've seen examples of similar things happening to children with emotional problems caused by a wide range of issues(bullying at school, violence from a parent, a gifted child, drugs, anxiety, depression). So just because it fits, doesn't mean it is the cause.

Part of it might also be your child becoming an adolescent. Does she actually do the homework or are you doing it all for her? What has been the consequense of her not doing her homework? Have you discussed those consequenses with her? Here giving her stick and carrot options might help her to get motivated. Are you able to communicate with her about this issue(and I don't mean you talking to her and her avoiding/giving generic answers) and have you monitored other changes in her normal behavior like changes in apetite, not interested in things she used to like or problems with sleeping?

Basicly talk with her generally to get a good grasp of the situation, discuss the issue with a professional and coordinate the effort with the school. And don't leave things to advice you get from here. All we know is what little you tell, most of us aren't professionals at this anyway and you don't want to give away all the relevant info on a public forum. Yeah, contacting a veterans affairs organisation is propably a good start. At the minimum they can redirect you to the proper place to get help.

Pr1ncess Alia
Posted - 2010.06.11 06:19:00 - [4]
 

have her start seeing a counselor she can relate to.
once a week for a short visit just to talk about stuff.
after a few weeks she just might start coming around a bit

definitely might be your deployment, might be something else entirely

helped me when i was younger and going through crap.



mind you a counselor, not a shrink


just my opinion. can't hurt

Blane Xero
Amarr
The Firestorm Cartel
Posted - 2010.06.11 06:38:00 - [5]
 

Originally by: Sneerglaw II
What i am looking for is something that shows that this has happened before and is normal. During my redeployment briefings we were told about this, and that this could happen. I would like to find or have help finding more information about this problem and how the VA has acknowledged this problem.

Not the same, but since I feel it is relevant, I might as well add to the thread in this way.


I had suffered from severe bullying, and mental stress since I was about 10 years old, up until the age of 13. Not your regular name-calling, as I almost got thrown down several flights of concrete stairs at one point. Nothing was done to the aggressors, but I digress.

Around the age of 13 my mother (single, disabled parent) pulled me from school on a near permanent basis. I attended alternate forms of education a while later, but this is what followed: The school threatened her with jailtime for abusing her position as a parent and not being strict enough to force me into the mandatory years of eduction, they even got the social workers involved in it all, messy. She never got taken to court, jail or anything like that, though, but she stood her ground.

I live in Scotland, if that is of any relevance. Schools and Governments like to ignore the faults in the education system, and when the system fails, most will default to threatening/blaming the parents for this failure. It's a load of bull****.

Ella C'Tronix
Posted - 2010.06.11 10:45:00 - [6]
 

Originally by: Sneerglaw II
Okay so i know this isnt the best place to ask about this but i cant find any information anywhere through my searches, so im asking the great forum warriors here for help.


Quickly, My 12 year old is failing school after i returned home from Iraq, shes never had this problem before I left. After finding out that she has fallen behind my wife and i have helped her with her homework and even put her into an after school tutoring program. None of which has helped.

Now we're being accused of violating our parental rights?!? Crazy as it may be, i believe that it is because i returned home after a year and a half.


What i am looking for is something that shows that this has happened before and is normal. During my redeployment briefings we were told about this, and that this could happen. I would like to find or have help finding more information about this problem and how the VA has acknowledged this problem.

Im a horrible web searcher and an even worse EVE pilot, but any help pointing me in the right direction would be greatly appreciated.


I really wouldn't worry about it. Stop concentrating on school grades (they don't matter much). She's f***ing 12. Too young to screw up like the rest of the populace that goes through that BS education system.

Focus on things that matter, and/or slowly work on the "problem" one small component at a time, and tell the powers that be to stop judging your kid and parenting abilities.


Cleric JohnPreston
Posted - 2010.06.11 11:18:00 - [7]
 

Quote:
I really wouldn't worry about it. Stop concentrating on school grades (they don't matter much). She's f***ing 12. Too young to screw up like the rest of the populace that goes through that BS education system.

Focus on things that matter, and/or slowly work on the "problem" one small component at a time, and tell the powers that be to stop judging your kid and parenting abilities.




I completely agree with this. Dont focus on grades, focus on her adjustment and becoming a well adjusted, social person that loves her parents. The grades will come in time.


dr doooo
Posted - 2010.06.11 11:30:00 - [8]
 



Why the hell are you being accused of violating your parental rights? Sounds like a **** school if they are more worried about throwing accusations around than they are about getting to the route of the problem. If you are making sure she goes to school and does here homework, it seems out of order for the school to be pointing the finger at you, rather than vice-versa.

Best of luck anyway, and I hope it works out. Did she start getting behind while you were away? It was probably a very stressful time for her. Like someone has already said, it could be for any number of reasons though, especially at that sort of age.


Slade Trillgon
Endless Possibilities Inc.
Posted - 2010.06.11 11:57:00 - [9]
 

I have no kids but I work and have worked with children and adolescents for numerous years. They are even more complicated then adults for obvious reasons. As stated above, check the VA, and ask your primary care doctor for references for good counselors. She will need to talk things out with someone and better a professional then some random friend at school.

Do not hesitate to ask very specific questions to any professional that you want to have your child to talk with. Even if it means paying for an hour so you and your wife can speak with them, you should do this. Also, check out the American Mental Health Counselors Association.

Lastly, avoid all medications if at all possible. As much as I feel that adults should be allowed to try any substance they want, the developing mind is something that is best left to nature, baring life threatening situations, that is.

As for the public education system failing, it is just as much the 'parents' faults as it is the systems 'fault'. There is plenty of blame to go around.


Slade

Wendat Huron
Stellar Solutions
Posted - 2010.06.11 12:07:00 - [10]
 

Disclaimer; Guilt trip inbound.

It could be her doing good to impress the most important person to her and her interpreting you going away as that you were going to die.

Keeping up the good show while you were away and then when you come home, disproving what she had already braced herself for mentally, you just blew her world and she ran out of steam...

Caldari Citizen20090217
Posted - 2010.06.11 17:48:00 - [11]
 

So you went on deployment and she was performing well at school, you come back and she isn't. Did she start underperforming after you got back or was it while you were away? Has her behaviour changed - more withdrawn when she was outgoing, or full of attitude when she was a model pupil before for example?

Either way, talk to her if she is open to discussing it, if not don't press the issue but try if possible to spend "quality time" with her (forcing kids to talk about stuff they don't want to makes them more withdrawn in my experience). Help/get her to do the schoolwork tho, thats non-negotiable and insisting on that may well result in her giving some clue as to the actual issue.

As to the "violating parental rights" thing, not being in the US I have no idea what that is. Regardless, speak to the school and defuse that accusation. School and you should be working together to help the kid rather than fighting each other.

Speak to the veteran affairs people as they have lots of experience with this, and may be able to offer help in whatever form.


Abrazzar
Posted - 2010.06.11 17:54:00 - [12]
 

Find out what's going on in her head. Maybe it's the start of puberty messing with priorities, maybe something else. Unless you know what's going on, you won't be able to apply any means to counter what's happening. Going to counseling and stuff is just helplessly flailing around and is more likely to further alienate your daughter from you and your wife.

Sneerglaw II
Amarr
UNEXPECTED SURPRIZE'S
Pipe Hitters Union
Posted - 2010.06.13 22:40:00 - [13]
 

Edited by: Sneerglaw II on 13/06/2010 22:43:26
Well its actually her grandmother taking us to court accusing us of violating our parental rights. We have addressed the situation and enrolled her into afterschool tutoring, I've checked her homework and have helped her with said homework. I dont do it for her, she'll never learn that way.

When i left her grades dropped alittle bit, but nothing for us and the school to really be concerned about to the point we interven. As far as addressing the not doing homework, we took her laptop, Wii, zune and DS away until we seen an improvement in her school work.


WHen i came back i admitt i tried to pick up where i left off as being the one to get onto her when she didnt do what she was told and i have snapped at her for not doing what i asked. But i've always apologized afterward, letting her know that i was wrong for what i did and that it wasnt her. I dont think she quite understands that i cant go from the way i had to be there and come home and be same ole dad again.

I dont know, maybe it could be me and i am the one causing all this, but i've decided to get help(before all this started), because i can see a difference.

I just dont want to lose my kid because the court thinks i cant teach or help my child. I dont know if that makes sense or not but nonetheless.


BTW.....the U.S.A court system is completely ridiculous and caters to the guilty and preys on the victim.

EDIT: The school system hasnt thought it a problem and I would be the first to tell you that just because the school system is the primary source of learning, the parents play a heavy hand in the education of their children.

David Grogan
Gallente
The Motley Crew Reborn
Warped Aggression
Posted - 2010.06.14 02:45:00 - [14]
 

no offence but why do so many americans seek councellor help? the rest of the world manage without them and tbh most of the world see americans as nutz.... councellors, shrinks and therapists REALLY have no idea how the brain works...stop paying good money to ppl who are nothing more than scam artists at best.

your daughter is 12............. hormones are running wild....... it will pass

RentableMuffin
Posted - 2010.06.14 05:01:00 - [15]
 

heh 12, thats +/- a few years when my grades went to ****.

Tallaran Kouros
Cryptonym Sleepers
Posted - 2010.06.14 07:56:00 - [16]
 

Originally by: Sneerglaw II

Quickly, My 12 year old is failing school after i returned home from Iraq, shes never had this problem before I left. After finding out that she has fallen behind my wife and i have helped her with her homework and even put her into an after school tutoring program. None of which has helped.



I'm not really sure what you are saying.

Are you implying a correlation between your return from duty and her grades dropping?

If so, that's kinda strange - if anything I would expect grades to drop during the deployment rather than after, what with all the stress and worry about a parent being away in a war zone.

At the risk of sounding like I'm trying to belittle you (I'm not, btw), are you sure it's not just regular teenage BS? Kids change a lot around that age and it may just be hormones and puberty rather than your deployment.

It's still something to investigate, but don't be so quick to assume that it's connected to your work.

Ella C'Tronix
Posted - 2010.06.14 08:30:00 - [17]
 

Originally by: Sneerglaw II
Edited by: Sneerglaw II on 13/06/2010 22:43:26
Stuff


I don't know what you mean by "parental rights" in this context, but you've nothing to worry about.
Take care of her, show her you love 'er, and do your best to make sure she goes to school and does things she's supposed to, but "grades" in the most f***ed up education system ever don't mean anything in life. A motivated person with dreams and what have you will find a way in life to do whatever it is they want, and that sometimes involves education and sometimes doesn't. And we all know there are plenty of rich people who gave schooling the finger.

It's different for everyone. Maybe she's an academic genius going through a phase. Maybe she's never meant to be academic but has a mind capable of something crazy good that academia will never help her with. Who knows, and it's not for fathers, mothers and kids to decide at 12 years of age. The most valuable things she can learn are social lessons at this point in the game.
There is no value in 12-year old "school grades".


And not to get into "conspiracy thoery" or anything, but most of the time the teaching "professionals" just make up things as they go along. They loosely adhere to a curriculum and administer standardized tests where required. But even the grades in most day-to-day schooling are completely bogus. One of dozens of examples from my own personal experiences: in highschool, our music courses were given exams. They weren't written, however, in this particular case. Our exam was to perform in a classical concert as part of a larger whole. I hated the songs we were forced to perform and didn't bother learning any of it. Come time for the concert, I stood behind my xylophone station, played two notes really loudly and just pretended to play the rest of the time whilst the rest of the band/orchestra/whatever you call it carried on.

I received 85% with comments that read something like "Great performance. You should perhaps try to play a bit louder next time".
She made it up. I didn't play a damn thing. Sure, there's no way for her to evaluate everyone at once (the fact that she had to in the first place was a logistics/education problem into itself) but this kind of thing goes on constantly. Sure, they work hard, but they really have zero stake in what your child actually learns. It's all about making sure people are getting along and that it's not a nightmareish place for them to do their jobs, making sure the stats are where they need to be and collecting a pay check. Just think about other jobs. Or ask how much a regular old Wal-Mart employee cares about the success of their company beyond job security.


Anyway, short version:
-12 years old
-education may or may not be an important part of your child's future, too early to tell. Definitely doesn't matter at 12
-best lessons learned are social ones and the like, not the subjects at school
-just take care of her and let her know how much you care about her
-ignore what chumps have to say

this of course, is all on the basis that there's no other weird undisclosed component of the story on your part, but the basic message remains the same.


Slade Trillgon
Endless Possibilities Inc.
Posted - 2010.06.14 11:30:00 - [18]
 

Edited by: Slade Trillgon on 14/06/2010 11:31:27
Originally by: David Grogan
no offence but why do so many americans seek councellor help? the rest of the world manage without them and tbh most of the world see americans as nutz.... councellors, shrinks and therapists REALLY have no idea how the brain works...stop paying good money to ppl who are nothing more than scam artists at best.

your daughter is 12............. hormones are running wild....... it will pass


I see Eurasia has an excellent rate of treating psychosocial issues Rolling Eyes

EDIT: There is something to the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," Wink :END Edit

Originally by: Tallaran Kouros


I'm not really sure what you are saying.

Are you implying a correlation between your return from duty and her grades dropping?

If so, that's kind of strange - if anything I would expect grades to drop during the deployment rather than after, what with all the stress and worry about a parent being away in a war zone.

At the risk of sounding like I'm trying to belittle you (I'm not, btw), are you sure it's not just regular teenage BS? Kids change a lot around that age and it may just be hormones and puberty rather than your deployment.

It's still something to investigate, but don't be so quick to assume that it's connected to your work.


Are you telling me it is out of the realm of possibility that a young child, a female starting puberty no less, could, in no situation, actually resent a father for leaving them and when they return try to run their life like they never left?

The guy is smart for deducting that possibility in my opinion. In which case all that may be needed is some transition time and the father toning the discipline down a bit and let the mother return to the position of authority, which I would assume is even harder in a military family.


Slade

Reldor Silverheart
Gallente
Posted - 2010.06.14 15:45:00 - [19]
 

There could be a multitude of things related to this problem, one of the explanations could be that she is entering adolenens(sp?) and that is what is causing theese issues. In that case i would just be there for her, help her out whenever she needs it and be a good parent.

So far it seems like you've done what is required of you as parents tho and i can't say i really see any neglgegance in here. Mind you i'm studying to become a social worker in sweden and the US laws could be different.

Another explanation could be that she is afraid to loose you when you go back to deployment again, and theese issues can be explained through that she herself has created theese problems to keep you home. yet again this is just a theory, but it is as viable as anything. I can't tell you how to treat it, but perhaps have a good long talk with her about it? Just be prepared to be openminded for her thoughts, no matter how irrational they may be.

I also thought of this, how does her school situation look, does she have alot of friends or does she keep more to herself. It could be that someone at school is treating her bad, not nescearly bullying but it could be a selfesteem problem. This could be tied together with her age aswell since she is in her adolsence.

The final thing that comes to my mind, but this is a far fetched one is that her emotional attachement to you is weak currently, but i cannot say much on this matter because i really don't know your full history as a family.

But it might be something temporary aswell, and then it might only be passing. But theese are just my thoughts on the issue.

jason hill
Caldari
Clan Shadow Wolf
Fatal Ascension
Posted - 2010.06.14 20:13:00 - [20]
 

err your wife hasnt been beating her enough in your absence .... get the "ouch" stick out Very Happy


 

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